Things Mr Welch Cannot Say During an RPG

2001.  A Saber tooth tiger is not an acceptable second in a duel.
2002.  No flashbacks to the death of the disposable expository NPC at the start of the adventure.
2003.  Any gun whose damage is best described in scientific notation is vetoed.
2004.  Just because I took the large advantage does not let me rampage through Tokyo at will.
2005.  Can’t just program the probe droid to go to light speed through the Star Destroyer.
2006.  Torpedo spheres don’t just go off on accident.
2007.  No taunting Darth Maul with the fact Uncle Owen had more lines, more screen time and a more memorable death.
2008.  No spending money from the Raise Dead fund on ice cream.
2009.  I will make sure when the GM asks what my fetish is if he means voodoo bag or brunettes with short hair.
2010.  Improved tax evasion is not a real feat.
2011.  There is no easy way to tell a guy he named his genetically engineered uber space Mongolian after Genghis Khan’s wife.
2012.  Apothecaries can’t perform emergency skullectomies.
2013.  Can’t convince the entire pantheon to all take spiders as their fourth domain.
2014.  In the middle of a black ops I don’t have time to set all the target’s phone handsets to maximum volume.
2015.  If World War III is looming, I will not spend all my character advances on just liberal arts degrees.
2016.  While extremely cool, my superhero needs something more than just a gun that fires badgers at people.
2017.  Off duty Astartes wear robes, not wife beaters and speedos.
2018.  Spending my Rank 4 instead of Rank 5 priority on human does not make me more human than human.
2019.  Even if the elf fails his willpower check, we don’t need to change him.
2020.  There is only one mounting option for Mr. Stud.  This is not optional.
2021.  Even if used correctly, branding irons do not count as non-lethal weapons.
2022.  I will refrain from any activity that could turn the entire party into smoking piles of lederhosen.
2023.  Using my runic powers to provide a light show for my skald’s musical performances is abusing Grumfather’s gift.
2024.  Despite how practical it would be, I have no need for a dracheneisen tuba.
2025.  There is no such thing as a shotgun exterminatus.
2026.  I will not try to bring back nipples as a superhero fashion statement.
2027.  Boernings fully understand the concept of personal space.
2028.  Even if the rules allow it, a called shot to the eyes with a sledgehammer isn’t very practical.
2029.  In the middle of a black ops, I can’t order 1500 pizzas to be delivered to the target the next day.
2030.  Elves do not get a racial bonus to the skill Trade: Interior Design
2031.  Even if the kids love it, the Cone of Cold spell is not for making toboggan rides possible in August.
2032.  If I ever trick the DM into telling us the only way to make money mining is to work the shaft, all my characters die.  Not just in this game either.
2033.  Even if the rules allow it, I can’t conduct a television interview and maintain a choke hold at the same time.
2034.  Can’t spend all my starting points to build a Renaissance version of Las Vegas.
2035.  Cylons don’t have a four year life span.
2036.  Darth Harmonious is not a real Sith Lord.
2037.  No matter how many times it’s already been retconned, I can’t change the story of the origins of the Sith every time we play.
2038.  Even if it’s a friendly pick up game, it’s a bad idea to dunk on Vader.
2039.  I will remember Captain Reis has the “Immunity: NPCs with no name” advantage.
2040.  Characters with the curious disadvantage are not acceptable substitutions for the Identify spell.
2041.  There are no additional bonuses to guessing the right card if we’re playing Go Fish with a Deck of Many Things.
2042.  Any attempt to breed Bearowls is doomed to failure.
2043.  If I knock out Ryu while I’m blocking, it’s time to retire the character.
2044.  If I’m not allowed to go back in time to kill the villain, I can’t just bring him to the present as a child either.
2045.  No scanning the periodical table for an unused element to base my superhero around.
2046.  The very thought of improving my humanity by osmosis costs humanity.
2047.  Dwarven ale does not double as jet fuel, industrial solvent or colic medicine.
2048.  No secretly setting the Netrunner’s modem interface to 8 bit.
2049.  No matter how pissed off the Verbena makes me, I can’t put her on Glenn Beck’s mailing list.
2050.  Can’t use the bureaucracy skill to indefinitely delay a rival going through customs.  Yeah, made no sense to me either.
2051. DM’s don’t appreciate the Socratic method.
2052. The following are not acceptable favored enemies: Torries, Cartoon Characters, Wichita Falls.
2053. If the GM is a woman, can’t play a space otter to gain cute points.
2054. If the rules require me to multiply several stats by 10,117 to get another stat, can’t do it long hand in protest.
2055. I will try to keep the number of pages the GM rips out of his playtest binder to a minimum.
2056. Can’t stealthfully follow the villainous wizard and backstab his every time he tries to cast a spell, even if every rogue in the world does it to our wizard.
2057. My druid will stop insisting we place all expended magic items in the appropriate recycling bin.
2058. No uploading to the villian’s electrotat the video of me shooting him.
2059. Even if I no longer lose SAN around them, no domesticating nightgaunts.
2060. When describing my superhero, I will stop at “Molly Ringwald Man”
2061. Note to self: Pinata golems are a bad idea.
2062. Even if I have enough rope and have nine attacks a round, can’t garrote a hydra.
2063. Despite Hawkman, Batman, Antman and Spiderman, Red Snapperman is not a legitimate superhero name.
2064. The wish spell can’t affect the order of the alphabet.
2065. Even if I buy off the Nemesis disadvantage doesn’t mean we can’t still be enemies.
2066. Snipers don’t appreciate their spotter yelling out “BOOM HEADSHOT!”
2067. Can’t have a gun that can inflict lethal damage with just the bullet’s windshear.
2068. If my character’s name is not an anagram, I will tell the DM before he spends 30 minutes rearranging letters.
2069. No explaining battle plans to the tune of a Jerry Reed song.
2070. The spell is “Heat Metal”, not “Detect Piercings”.
2071. Even if the Corporation prefers PC terminology, an interrogation is not ‘kinetic information retrieval’.
2072. Power Word Sarcasm is not a real spell.
2073. Even if the rules might allow them, we can’t all play Ogryn warcasters.
2074. I will not give into temptation when presented with a decanter of endless water and an opening to the underdark.
2075. Just because I can, doesn’t mean I have to land my Veritech like Ironman on the deck of the carrier every single time.
2076.  If I’m commissioned to build an artillery gun, they don’t mean a gun that fires howitzers.
2077.  If I abandon the game for alone time with my fiance, my PC dies.  Ask me if I freaking care.
2078.  Just because the DM prefers D&D to alone time with a smoking hot fiance doesn’t mean the party gets to question his gender preference.
2079.  During the Time of Troubles can’t forward my prayers to another god.
2080.  The Bohemian Earspoon is not an appropriate weapon for a paladin.  Or anybody else for that matter.
2081.  ‘Horn Dog’ is not a real Dwarven caste.
2082.  No matter how successful, our party has to be more than a wizard and 5 pikemen.
2083.  ‘Fifty Shades of Grey Dwarves’ is not the new Duergar sourcebook.
2084.  We can’t steal all the treasure from the giant magical scales, even if we do undertake an engineering project that dwarfs the Hoover Dam.
2085.  My Legionaire can’t spend resources on a 16 ton weight he can drop on people with his mind later.
2086.  Qunari don’t take smiling damage.
2087.  No matter what experience say, West Virginians do not make the best Mythos Investigators.
2088.  If I have to buy a second warehouse to store all my spare magic weapons, time to retire the character.
2089.  Even if it is a real way to kill somebody, I can’t burke the bad guy.
2090.  The following are not real Cyberpunk festivals: Night City Comiccon, The Killit Festival, Grenadeapalooza.
2091.  Can’t just target the villain’s star fighter, even if it’s the only one of its type in the battle.
2092.  Before entering Denerim we don’t have to delouse the Dalish.
2093.  Can’t trick the dragon into swallowing a shrunken dire porcupine and then ending the spell while he swallows.
2094.  Liechtenstein has no need for weapons of mass destruction.
2095.  Can’t trick the time travelling bad guy into a shoot out with his past self.
2096.  We aren’t looking at the various kingdoms’ tax rates before deciding where to dungeon crawl.
2097.  Vecna was not the inventor of the organ donor card.
2098.  Even if I took it with me with the full intention of using it, a manhole cover counts as an improvised weapon.
2099.  Since they don’t participate in the Olympics, I can stop writing R’lyeh’s national anthem.
2100.  No matter how big these sewers seem to be, we aren’t finding a Shipley’s Donuts down here.
2101.  There are more uses to ninjitsu than just dodgin process servers.
2102.  I will not make any plan that hinges on the medicinal value of dire wombats.
2103.  Even if he is Lawful Evil, the villain isn’t going to respond to a jury summons.
2104.  They don’t make civilian models of chain guns.
2105.  Infravision no longer works like thermographic vision, so I can stop trying to hide from the elf by smearing myself with mud.
2106.  You can’t crank start a warjack.
2107.  Tharn aren’t allowed to take cooking skills.
2108.  Even if I have the model for her, Satyxis can’t be disk jockeys.
2109.  Doesn’t matter if he is a Son of Bragg, “Hey Baby” is not a Trollkin mating call.
2110.  Trollkin cannot puff out their chins like frogs.
2111.  Warjacks do not prefer bacon favored coal.
2112.  Khadorians primary weakness is not temperate weather.
2113.  I can’t saddle break: A dire troll, a Kodiak warjack, or the Butcher.
2114.  I can’t clear out a dungeon by just throwning a ball down the entrance and telling the Nomad warjack to fetch.
2115.  Just because the Nyss decided to become a fire sorceror doesn’t mean she hates her parents.
2116.  One does not just ‘whip up’ a priestess of Loviator.
2117.  I will not buy skills for weapons that don’t exist yet.
2118.  No more arguing over whether my Ogrun looks more like Fabio or Lorenzo Lamas.
2119.  The Ogrun language does not sound like the Ewok victory song.
2120.  Elves do not squirt ink out of their nipples as a defense mechanism.
2121.  Elves also do not secrete a foul tasting oil when threatened.
2122.  The reason elves live in forests is not to protect them from eagles that swoop down and grab them up.
2123.  No regifting cursed items on Christmas.
2124.  The DM will notice if the entire party is named after the Houston Texans offensive line.
2125.  No matter how close to lunch is it, halflings don’t have to save vs. cannibalism.
2126.  There will be no more arguing on whether Eowyn could have killed MacBeth or McDuff could have killed the Witch King.
2127.  The following haircuts are forbidden to Ogrun: Pompadour, Flock of Seagulls, TV’s Frank
2128.  The elf punk has more options in her downtime than just accordian practice and torture porn.
2129.  I will refer to the other player’s sidekick by her name and not just “Your make believe Chinese lesbian girlfriend.”
2130.  My first priority in the Apocalypse is not finding a monster truck or finishing my Lord Humongous costume.
2131.  The Apocalypse was probably not caused by Grips, Mimes or French Maids.
2132.  Despite Hollywood’s claims, not all renegade cops keep miniguns under their desks.
2133.  If my starting Star Wars character is immediately set upon by an escaped Rifts character, wadding up my character sheet and throwing it at him is not an appropriate form of surrender.
2134.  Before resorting to burlesque, we will explore all other options on how to sneak past the security camera.
2135.  I can’t make an acquisition test in the middle of combat to hire away the rival Rogue Trader’s crew.
2136.  I will not let the GM threaten me with “Do your worst” if my character was based on Feyd-Rautha.
2137.  Even if I am playing a Ravenwing marine, I have to get off the motorcycle eventually.
2138.  If the game retcon’s my characters god, I will not start the orthodox faith of the old version of the god.
2139.  You can’t critically hit with a nuclear weapon.
2140.  Even if the rules allow it, you can’t slip an object into a person’s pocket if the object is larger than the person.
2141.  After clearing out the dungeon, I won’t animate all the dead orcs and leave behind the copper pieces so the next party won’t be totally disappointed.
2142.  No matter how many points I’ve put into Perform, I can’t use my mandolin as my sole method of communication.
2143.  Wishes have no effect on errata.
2144.  I will stop referring to Satyxis as “two pointers.”
2145.  Satyxis don’t shed their horns every fall like elk.
2146.  Satyxis aren’t related to Qunari.
2147.  There will be no more jokes about the GM’s horny bikini wearing pirate chick fetish.
2148.  When asking if I’m cross playing, they didn’t mean if my character was Christ.
2149.  You can’t plea bargain regicide.
2150.  The cryokinetic’s default job is not to protect the cooler.
2151. Just because the dwarf hits name level doesn’t mean we owe him a bar mitzvah.
2152. Getting four guys each with a different 25% Mythos Lore doesn’t mean we win Call of Cthulhu.
2153. The “fur” and “lust” domains shall never meet.
2154. No reminding my lieutenant that “Neidermeyer” can be used as a verb.
2155. Getting multiple entries in a game’s first errata is not a badge of honor.
2156. Even if my metamagician has his twinned, enhanced, empowered, maximized magic missile readied doesn’t mean I can tell people to “make my day”
2157. Doesn’t matter if we all have different costumes and names, the group is vetoed if its clear we’re all Thor.
2158. Using my animal influence ability to send countless animals on a suicide attack is fine, but not to form a chorus line.
2159. Just because my media only put the bare minimum into his journalistic skills doesn’t mean he starts at MSNBC.
2160. The ability to calculate Thaco in your head does not increase attractiveness.
2161. Invoking Andre the Giant only works once to win an argument with the storyteller.
2162. Can requisition items nobody in the squad knows how to use.
2163. Before starting an underwear clad pillow fight, I must first make sure the party is not all dwarves.
2164. There will be no further product placement in the mission evaluation videos.
2165. To cut down on the number of Mexican Standoffs, there is only one commissar allowed in the squad now.
2166. The Weeping Angels natural enemy is not the goldfish.
2167. The answer is never “Dwarven River Dance”.
2168. No starting a bidding war during character creation to see who the Pet NPC likes best.
2169. Can’t use a water gun to make the Aslan follow orders.
2170. Step 1 in the party’s preparation for the quest is not a mani/pedi.
2171. Can’t reduce the difficulty of an autopsy check by skipping the ‘put everything back where you found it’ step.
2172. Even if its beneficial, no changing the number of limbs on a character without the other player’s consent.
2173. Better benefits doesn’t justify alignment conflicts with an organization.
2174. If another PC dies, no bonus xp for going through all 7 stages of grief before the end of the session.
2175. It’s best we don’t let the paladin anywhere near customs.
2176. Even if calling out characters for critical hits is encouraged, no talking the crit hit monster into naming his character Skjor.
2177. Plan A is not send in the Doom Reaver and wait for the screams to stop.
2178. Despite what you think, the profession: Dentist can’t substitute for the interrogation skill.
2179. My Werebear can’t hibernate through the boring expository parts at the beginning.
2180. Even if I can justify a Viking with a maxed out legal skill, that doesn’t give him a law degree.
2181. Druids don’t practice dental hygiene by having small birds pick their teeth clean.
2182. Mechalus are not just Borg with better PR.
2183. Distract the bad guy does not mean with a called shot to his appendix.
2184. No hacking the target megacorp to put out a recall notice for their security’s firearms.
2185. Despite it’s tremendous cost to benefit ratio, bubblewrap is not a staple of black ops.
2186. My character in an Anthro RPG is meant to be a anime furry cliche, not an escapee from Looney Toons.
2187. No matter how many examples I can give, a flamethrower cannot boost morale.
2188. The primary use of a Druid’s nature lore is not to learn the mating calls of various fey creatures.
2189. The 2nd Book of Gretsky appears nowhere in the Canadian Bible.
2190. Can’t take Energy Blast with infinite range and the ability to shoot through the TV and just channel surf the news.
2191. When challenged by a Dwarf King, I can’t pick basketball.
2192. The villain will eventually notice the train tracks are starting to point straight at his front door.
2193. Inspire Courage is a great super power, unless you use it to get hordes of innocent bystanders to bum rush the super villain.
2194. No questioning the Marshal on why a town of 4,000 people and no strategic value warranted a 100 megaton nuke.
2195. “Bladder Control” is not an appropriate super hero power.
2196. When listing the advantages of elves to the new player, I will leave off “shatter proof”.
2197. Rings of Fire Resistance offer no protection from rug burn.
2198. When the villain is hiding from us, just can’t call him on his cell.
2199. No animal companions come in their prehistoric version.
2200. If I just cast 17 fire spells in the Druid’s Sacred Grove and a simple “Sorry” isn’t going to cut it.
2201. Just because they don’t have rules for them, Canadians can still be companions for the Doctor.
2202. When I take watch, everybody must wake up with the same number of limbs as they went to sleep with.
2203. Even if the rules allow it, the spell Command: Summarize can’t speed up the plot exposition.
2204. The restriction on guns extends to all buildings used for higher education.
2205. The commissar will not be pleased if our entire plan is 1. Ask for a Baneblade. 2. Roll low.
2206. Create a distraction doesn’t mean with walruses trained in ballroom dance.
2207. We are not stopping the villain with small mammals armed with power tools.
2208. My favored enemy must be more than just “Claire”.
2209. My techpriest will refrain from developing emotional attachments to the ordnance.
2210. I will remember that if any samurai sounds like Takeshi Shimura, we will all end up sounding like Takeshi Shimura.
2211. If I have to change my samurai’s voice, I will pick something that doesn’t make him sound like a native of Guadalajara.
2212. The DM doesn’t want to hear about the pointlessness of framing an aasimar paladin for murder.
2213. In the middle of a black ops the target’s elevator music selection is off limits.
2214. Deer season is restricted to rifles or bows, not brass knuckles.
2215. Despite what the rules imply, multiple held actions do not interfere with the flow of time.
2216. Can’t spot the paladin hiding in the thieves guild by looking for the guy breaking out in hives.
2217. Multi-classing to a fighter/mage/thief is fine. A fighter/mage/thief/Reagan Democrat is not.
2218. We don’t have to consult a neurologist every time somebody fails a paralysis save.
2219. No casting haste on the fighter while he sleeps to see how long it takes him to notice all the new gray hair.
2220. No using every possible special rule for combat in the very first fight of the campaign.
2221. If a conjured monster does exceptionally well in combat, I can’t ask him for a resume.
2222. The Find Traps spell doesn’t work on dating websites.
2223. Stone of flesh spells are banned in all major art galleries.
2224. Anesthetic is not just for sissies.
2225. Personal effects are enough to prove we stopped the villain. No more bringing back his zombified corpse.
2226. The concept of vowels are not alien to dwarves.
2227. The first thing you do in Bangkok after clearing customs is not make an alignment check.
2228. No asking the elf how they make it to 1000 years old with such a crappy fortitude save.
2229. It’s Thieves Cant. Not Illegalize.
2230. Even if we were told to use all of it, can’t use the extra explosives for public displays of affection to my girlfriend.
2231. The spell is called Dancing Lights, not Detect Epilepsy.
2232. When discussing examples of target sizes, there will be no mention of areolas.
2233. Cause Disease doesn’t let you pick the diseased caused, so I can stop reading the symptoms of Kuru.
2234. No abusing homonyms.
2235. Just because Orlais doesn’t have a Shogun, doesn’t mean I can declare myself one.
2236. Even if it would be awesome in real life, Immunity: Bureaucracy is not an acceptable super power.
2237. Christian Baleful Polymorph is not a real spell.
2238. The Returning ability on magical weapons doesn’t let me make a fortune at pawn shops.
2239. Under no circumstances is modern art purchases coming out of the team fund.
2240. Though there are many to ways to become a god, buying a Gibson Les Paul and maxing out the perform skill isn’t one of them.
2241. “Fantastic in the sheets” is not an appropriate character focus.
2242. Even if the rules allow it, no asking a Dread Destroyer for favors.
2243. Buying the crew the best quality underwear in the sector isn’t going to increase moral.
2244. On second thought, rhythm guitar isn’t an appropriate focus for a bard.
2245. Ammunition is not just for closers.
2246. No basing our epic powered superhero group in Terre Haute.
2247. If even if the rules allow it, no trading in our laser guns for muskets to play Sharpe’s Rifles IN SPACE!!!
2248. No abusing union bylaws to exploit holes in security.
2249. Even if I take the Total Recall trait, I can’t remember all quarter million crew on my ship by their first name.
2250. Even if I haven’t had anything to do for several hours, no updating Facebook in the middle of a Black Ops.

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