Things Mr Welch Cannot Say During an RPG

1751. Lord Soth just does not need a hug.
1752. No summoning octopi to make the sleeping paladin explain all the hickies.
1753. No challenging sleeping people to a duel.
1754. No hogging all the brute kills.
1755. Calling my shot means ‘Where I want to hit him’ not ‘Where I want him to land.’
1756. Despite what the module says, not every woman in this campaign is a closeted lesbian.
1757. The princess’ menstral cycle doesn’t factor into her rescue.
1758. Dr. Suess has no place in an exorcism.
1759. Doesn’t matter what I just killed with it, the howitzer is not going to qualify for holy relic.
1760. No risking profit factor to buy groceries.
1761. Star Destroyers are already baby proofed.
1762. If my character causes Camelot to look like King Lear he dies.
1763. If I just rolled the same chart result 8 times in a row, I will lie about the result if I do it again.
1764. No spending stunt points to play ‘Yoink! Got your nose!’ on a Genlock.
1765. Even if my CO does it, a unitard is not an appropriate SAS uniform.
1766. No starting a character with 4 swordsman schools.
1767. No I can’t Google the villain’s secret weakness.
1768. My monk can’t convince the bad guys to go streaking with him just so they’re easy to beat up later.
1769. I can’t disarm the monk. At least not literally.
1770. I don’t have to be faster than the other investigators. They have to be faster than my bullets.
1771. If my actions singlehandedly put the Drow on the endangered species list, time to retire the character.
1772. No using EHarmony to find a cleric for the party.
1773. Can’t use a wish spell to make the last Star Wars trilogy not suck.
1774. Battle Mauls can’t double as coup sticks.
1775. Just because I spared the villain’s life doesn’t mean she owes me a first date.
1776. They don’t make weapon grade schnauzers.
1777. No using goldfish as improvised weapons just to get the dual weapon bonus.
1778. I don’t have to buy a child seat to take the halfling anywhere.
1779. Using nuclear weapons in assassinations is just being lazy.
1780. No using the friendship virtue to start a harem.
1781. Beatlemania is not an acceptable dementia.
1782. I will remember we’re playing 4th edition and stop using my imagination.
1783. Distracting the bad guy does not mean with an aztec bar mitzvah.
1784. Some grizzfarb says I have to stop making up gnomish profanities.
1785. I can’t play an anthropomorphic homo sapiens.
1786. Albanians do not count as furries.
1787. I will stop telling people my high elf is just a drow with a bad case of vitiligo.
1788. Even if it takes an hour before it’s my turn again, can’t kill time with solitaire.
1789. Doesn’t matter what the map says, can’t drive a sports car through the villain’s lair.
1790. Can’t find the villain just by casting power word stun in the bar and see who’s still standing.
1791. Can’t make the genie’s head explode until everybody else has had their wish.
1792. Let’s keep the collateral damage to under a billion dollars.
1793. A comeliness under 15 doesn’t mean I can’t be on MTV.
1794. Can’t use party members for ante.
1795. Not possible to corner the market on weapons they don’t have rules for yet.
1796. The halfling language is not just baby speak.
1797. Getting the dwarf fixed isn’t going to improve his disposition.
1798. Can’t start every game breaking out of jail.
1799. They don’t make healing potions in diet.
1800. I will not point out any loophole that arouses the powergamer.
1801. When challenged for rank, can’t make the challenge 1970’s NBA trivia.
1802. Leave off the Chaotic Evil alignment on the teaching application.
1803. Can’t convince to party to play Frankie Goes to Hollywood. Not their music, the actual band.
1804. The epic villain killing weapon requires a quest to obtain, not $35 at Pruett’s Guns and Ammo.
1805. I won’t mention a celebrity that causes another gamer to go all stalker. Sorry in advance Jeannie Mai.
1806. Before we start a band of pirates, make sure the game isn’t set in a landlocked nation.
1807. Even if the rules allow it, I can’t have a saber toothed walrus.
1808. Even if I buy enough for everybody, snuggies alone will not raise crew morale.
1809. If I get to pick my position in a star spanning empire, can’t pick Fire Chief.
1810. Even if the rules allow it, can’t be on good terms with an organization sworn to destroy me.
1811. Doesn’t matter what I rolled, my ork can’t have a space surfboard.
1812. Not using any emission from the barbarian as flamethrower fuel.
1813. My troll’s biography will not include the phrase ‘sweet, sweet love’
1814. My battlecruiser does not inclue a discotheque, bowling alley, IMAX, or strip joint.
1815. Can’t have a gun capable of using other PC’s as ammo.
1816. The Druid doesn’t have to change sides every time the tide changes.
1817. Can’t target the starship’s radiator.
1818. Can’t make a bluff check to convince the monster I actually hit him.
1819. Strapping dynamite to an arrow is an acceptable cliche. Not the whole keg of gunpowder.
1820. Let’s not see how far I can lower crew morale before the game begins.
1821. Even if the rules allow it, the Soviet National Anthem doesn’t qualify for the inspirational music ability.
1822. When told to play a teenage high school girl, that doesn’t include East German swimmers named Sergi.
1823. Despite what you’d think, taking out a child molester with extreme prejudice doesn’t restore my humanity.
1824. ‘Getting Uppity’ is not a capital offense. Even to a Rogue Trader.
1825. No taking Peace Activists as favored enemies just because they are easy targets.
1826. Before we have the bard loot the dungeon, make sure he’s clear on the spelling.
1827. No starting Fight Club.
1828. Remember to take the helmet off before I use the acid spit ability.
1829. Darth Vader does not need his air filter changed.
1830. Deer Season is restricted to rifle or bow. Not greco-roman.
1831. Drunken Master is a feared martial artist. A Drunken Journeyman is not any 5th level dwarf.
1832. No result on the Impact Critical F chart reduces a foe to base elemental components.
1833. If we’re short on cash no starting a telethon.
1834. Star Destroyers don’t have help desks.
1835. Can’t take poison immunity, coat my food with cyanide, and see who’s been stealing my lunch from the fridge.
1836. A talking animal sidekick is okay. One that sings Disney tunes is roadkill.
1837. I won’t ask how a 9′ combat monster with no concept of subtlety starts with a +1D in stealth.
1838. Can’t lure ninjas out of hiding with a game of Marco Polo.
1839. Even if the rules say otherwise, a huge back banner with an arrow pointing down at me causes a penalty to stealth checks.
1840. Doesn’t matter if I get bonuses for eating fallen foes, no spending requisition on condiments.
1841. No using ventriloquism to trick the Khorne Berzerkers into slaughtering each other.
1842. You can’t suplex a lictor.
1843. Can’t land the drop pod on the villain.
1844. Even if the rules say otherwise, I can’t actually use 500 grenades in a single mission.
1845. I will use the security skill to open the door, even if it’s easier to just rip it off its hinges.
1846. If the Ork makes his check to solve higher mathematics, his head doesn’t explode.
1847. No picking a sorcery that is actually unplayable as written.
1848. Slapping a fake mustache on the freeboota doesn’t count as a disguise check.
1849. There is too an elven word for monogamy.
1850. There is also an elven word for heterosexual.
1851. Can’t use woodchippers as shotguns against vampires.
1852. Afros are not acceptable haircuts for Adeptus Astartes.
1853. I can’t chew gum during chapter briefings, even if I brought enough for the entire Space Marine Chapter.
1854. TSR is not hiding Golden Tickets in Mystara Gazetteers.
1855. Using a barber’s razor as a weapon does not make me a barbarian.
1856. I will refer to the radar contact as a Blitzer-72 MBT, and not as a TPK in a can.
1857. No unloading all my remaining ammo in the last bad guy so I don’t have to carry it back with me.
1858. The answer to ‘how to spell sousaphone’ is V-E-T-O.
1859. No challenging Death to a game of Tic-Tac-Toe until he gets bored and quits, ensuring my immortality.
1860. Summary Execution Man is not an appropriate name for a super hero, even if it is accurate.
1861. Can’t take a favored enemy I can’t kill for another ten levels.
1862. Even if the rules allow it, I can’t hip shoot a cannon.
1863. I will stop asking the Ultramarine why his chapter’s primary color isn’t ultramarine.
1864. Even if paladin starts with P and that rhymes with T, it doesn’t stand for trouble.
1865. No wasting Music Man references on a 10th grader.
1866. Even if the rules allow it, can’t have a poisonous lascannon.
1867. Can’t have a gun that reduces people to Rorschach tests.
1868. Playing the Who doesn’t give me a bonus to forensic checks.
1869. You can’t count coup with power weapons.
1870. If I’m invited to play a one shot with a new DM, can’t play a serious straight laced character.
1871. No tricking the techpriest into dividing by zero.
1872. My Rogue Trader can’t upgrade his ship with a ice rink, duck blind or vomitarium.
1873. Stormtroopers will only fall for the broken comlink trick so many times.
1874. Even if elves are a dying race, can’t start a forced breeding program.
1875. Before I make the seduction check, I will reread the description of the swinging knack.
1876. I will stop telling the new players gnomes came from Sverfneblia.
1877. I will stop asking the high elf for a hit.
1878. Elves are not all backstabbing, untrustworthy weasels, but you never hear about a dark gnome do you?
1879. The halfling’s natural enemy is not the pedophile.
1880. Elves are not piercing weapons by default.
1881. No shooting the Quarren at the start of the adventure, even if it would have immediately solved the last four adventures instantly.
1882. The monk counts as adamantine when attacking, not when being used as a battering ram.
1883. Even if the rules allow it, my fighter can’t carry a clan of halfings in his pack without penalty.
1884. If a PC gets taken out by a deer, can’t recruit the deer to replace him.
1885. Considering we don’t have a TARDIS or a bag of holding, we can stop speculating on how they would interact.
1886. Can’t trick the GM into starting a conversation between the Doctor and Inspector Columbo.
1887. If I use the leap skill to individually jump over every goon in the room, when I reach the other side I can’t demand to be made royalty.
1888. Even if the rules allow it, my marine can’t requisition a rolex.
1889. Slapping a meltabomb on the Emperor’s Children marine and putting his resulting efforts to get it off on Youtube gets me a Corruption Point.
1890. My Rogue Trader doesn’t have spend Requisition Points on feminine hygiene products.
1891. Dreadnoughts don’t get conjugal visits.
1892. No matter what the module says, slaughtered and dissected scientists cause more san loss than frozen dogs.
1893. Can’t take Speaks in Third person quirk just so I can use the lyrics to Battery as an attack plan.
1894. No mounting my rival’s anti-gravity plating on his ceiling.
1895. The Escaped Fugitive background doesn’t include from Disney Teen Musicals
1896. Even if they have blond hair, blue eyes and are proud of their physical perfection, Aasimir don’t appreciate Seig Heils.
1897. Assist Other actions helps in combat, not with crossword puzzles.
1898. No hiring Anakin Skywalker some Twilek hookers, thus removing his reason to become Vader.
1899. The target’s current zip code has no bearing on my called shot.
1900. Verbena are not water soluble.
1901. Even if my Jedi has a Scottish accent, can’t have a plaid lightsaber.
1902. Playing a Gamorrian doesn’t violate anybody’s religion.
1903. No ruining the game by informing the DM the Yellow Power Ranger is dead.
1904. Prepping for the adventure means memorizing spells and buying gear, not coming up with a safety word.
1905. No nailing the GM’s girlfriend’s character.
1906. I will ask permission before performing an autopsy in another character’s hideout.
1907. No putting the villain’s fake bio on Match.com and letting the stalkers do my work for me.
1908. No matter what the rules say, my psychotic racist character doesn’t get a permanent persuasion bonus just because she puts out.
1909. Combat boots don’t give bonuses to CPR checks.
1910. I don’t need to know the melting point of orcs.
1911. Even if the rules allow it, I can’t one shot guys with a feather duster.
1912. No more surprise parties for the berserker.
1913. Can’t postdate a letter of marque.
1914. Can’t abuse the boggan’s weakness to get free babysitting.
1915. The following are not acceptable specialties for a weapon master: Mustard Gas, Cheese Grater, Sardonicism.
1916. Even if the rules allow it, sniper scopes don’t give bonuses to shotguns.
1917. “The ability to do anything, as long as it’s not that hard” is not a real superpower.
1918. No using the time machine to give Nostradamus a sneak peek at the future. Again.
1919. There is no needing for a dark brooding vigilante of the night in Lancaster, Pennsylvania.
1920. “Shakedown” is not a art skill specialty.
1921. In the middle of a Black Ops can’t run up the target’s cable bill by ordering PPV movies on his TV.
1922. Can’t air hump the king from behind while he’s performing demagoguery.
1923. Electrokinetics are not allowed anywhere near the President’s teleprompter.
1924. Despite what the rules say, shooting other PC’s in the head does not improve morale.
1925. Can’t disguise a nuclear bomb to look like me.
1926. DM’s don’t appreciate being dubbed.
1927. Can’t filibuster other characters.
1928. Nobody is going to buy the disguised wookie as a jawa with a pituitary problems.
1929. Ayn Rand has no affect on my alignment.
1930. The wizard’s familiar does not have to save vs. leg hump.
1931. MkVI armor’s drawback is not random chicken noises.
1932. I will stop telling people the elf is openly fey.
1933. No part of the elven cloak is actually made out of elves.
1934. Breaking the fourth wall doesn’t require a strength check.
1935. It’s not possible to become addicted to healing spells.
1936. You don’t have to be lawful evil to be sentenced to Devil’s Island.
1937. Not my fault if you can defeat the labyrinth by just making right turns.
1938. When the game designer asks me my opinion about the new edition of his game, open weeping is not appreciated.
1939. Even if the rules allow it, can’t parry an artillery barrage with my fists.
1940. Blasting the distress signal from orbit is forbidden, even if it would have avoided the last six ambushes.
1941. Qunari aren’t automatically angered by the color red.
1942. Can’t distract the villain by sending him a text.
1943. I will not attempt to gnomeoform Faerun.
1944. Even if the King is represented by a miniature, I can’t put him in checkmate.
1945. No prisoner gets special treatment, even if he does look like Robert Goulet.
1946. No improvising, winging or fabricating funeral rites.
1947. Can’t use teleport to convince the villain’s henchmen he’s seeing things.
1948. Having an electrotech in the party doesn’t mean I get to leave my phone charger at home.
1949. Can’t free the hostage with a surprise game of Red Rover.
1950. Not allowed to start the campaign having sex, especially with another PC.
1951. Can’t use the international date line to get around once per day restrictions.
1952. There is no bluff check in the world that gets around divine retribution.
1953. A lifetime subscription to Cosmo is not an elven racial bonus.
1954. Swedish accents are great for vikings, ninjas not so much.
1955. No tagging the sleeping dragon with “Bilbo was here”.
1956. If we end up playing Illuminated martial artist superheros protecting the Mad Lands from the Chtorr, we will reselect the source books again with our eyes open.
1957. There is no way to diplomatically ask the Gaius if he’s going to finish that sandwich.
1958. Dwarven breast milk is not 180 proof.
1959. No using the time machine to make Christ the keynote speaker at an atheist convention.
1960. I will not use the commune spell to find out who is John Galt.
1961. No spending more points than the villain to make his assistant more loyal to me.
1962. There is more combat than a called shot to the face with a double barrel, despite what the dice say.
1963. If I can’t use the dwarf to beat a guy to death, that includes beating him against the dwarf.
1964. No talking Hastur into suing Voldemort for trademark infringement.
1965. Can’t send the party out on an epic quest just to get some alone time with the missus.
1966. Even if the rules allow it, can’t play a viking mad scientist.
1967. A Shemsu-Heru kamikaze pilot is funny once.
1968. Even if there is no naming convention given, Tal Vashoth are probably not named Larry.
1969. I will keep all eldritch artifacts of ungodly power out of the reach of children.
1970. Even If I need to practice it, if I’m playing Batman, I lose the Russian accent.
1971. Giving my media the paparazzi template does not actually cause humanity loss.
1972. No probating Dunkelzahn’s will.
1973. I will quit pestering the techpriest on whether he’s AC or DC.
1974. Despite what the rules say, you don’t have to be a 19th level bard to play Alice’s Restaurant Massacre.
1975. No using the weapon critical hit charts to play bingo.
1976. The identify spell doesn’t work on mystery meat.
1977. If I managed to roll up a half ogre knight errant on 3d6 straight down, no gloating.
1978. Naming the half ogre Sir Loin of Beef is gloating.
1979. The University of Wisconsin does not have branches in Lankhmar, Waterdeep or Blackmoor.
1980. The druid can’t transform into a sports car. Even if we douse him with hot water.
1981. No wrecking the Millennium Falcon in the prologue.
1982. If the GM’s pet NPC has tons of plot armor, can’t use her for cover.
1983. Even if it’s the coolest spell ever, can’t just go around exploding everyone.
1984. A paladin of the god of obituaries job is not to just kick butt and take names.
1985. The surprise in the surprise attack comes from its speed, not from the shattered eardrums of the breaching charge.
1986. When asked to be the party tank, they didn’t mean an Abrams.
1987. After the battle my Astartes is to spend his time training and in meditation, not choreographing Gilbert and Sullivan numbers.
1988. No result on the critical hit chart splits the atom.
1989. Can’t set the Death Star to stun.
1990. Even if we crashed the opening of the last eight adventures, still have to name our new starship.
1991. Medium Well is not a phaser setting.
1992. Can’t fly standing up.
1993. Squeezing a termagaunt like bagpipes isn’t going to turn him into a machine gun.
1994. There is no instant replay in Hackmaster.
1995. The proper response after making a very tough bluff check is not a TD dance.
1996. If any player ends up in lingerie, the game is over.
1997. Better believe if I berserk for two straight hours I’m going to feel it in the morning.
1998. The wookie isn’t allowed anywhere near conditioner.
1999. The evil twin flaw doesn’t count if he’s fraternal.
2000. Despite what the dice just said, I’m not the personal god of Michael Phelp’s agent.

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