Things Mr Welch Cannot Say During an RPG

1501. I will not take the mirror image spell literally and just shoot the wizard that’s not left handed.
1502. My first wish can’t be to invalidate the previous character’s last wish.
1503. Despite what the rules say, it doesn’t take 45 minutes to choke a 10th level fighter to death.
1504. I cannot take the parachute skill until somebody invents the parachute.
1505. We are not going through the phone book to see who’s name is a killing word either.
1506. It is not automatically assumed whatever vehicle my cop commandeers is a monster truck.
1507. North Equatorial Kansas is not a real state.
1508. Nowhere in the timeline is Superfly McBoomboom a US vice president.
1509. No part of the Constitution is written in invisible ink.
1510. The Movie Phone Guy can’t be the voice of the ship’s computer.
1511. No using the time machine to set the “Star Spangled Banner” to anything by White Zombie.
1512. My canine officer can’t spend his animal requisition cash to buy two dozen chihuahuas.
1513. I will not shoot a Great Old One just to say I did it.
1514. I will make it abundantly clear the guy playing my mortal enemy is a good friend in real life.
1515. The Pope does not have cyberpsychosis.
1516. I will not wish we were still playing Torg.
1517. Checking to see if the Mad Slasher is dead is ok, dismembering him with a shotgun is overkill.
1518. My Sniper will not kill all the bad guys before the rest of the party is in range.
1519. In the middle of a Black Ops I can’t sell my niece’s band candy to the hostages.
1520. I will tell the noobs the storyteller wasn’t joking about kicking people in the jewels for macking on jailbait.
1521. While not lethal, Ferris Wheels aren’t exactly healthy to vampires.
1522. Outside of Kingwood Community College moose antlers do not mean ‘Out of Character’.
1523. Stain glass windows are not a standard feature on Panzer tanks.
1524. The spell Extract Water Elemental doesn’t work on Water Elementals.
1525. I will not waste critical successes on drumming.
1526. Can’t use my pistols to communicate in Morse Code.
1527. There is no Patron Saint of the Dodecahedron.
1528. I can’t ask the bad guy if I fired 40,000 rounds or just 39,999.
1529. There is no such thing as a Thirty-Sevensexual
1530. We are not sneaking in Mordor dressed as tour guides.
1531. Even if it does take the thief 10 minutes to search the room, that’s not enough time for a quickie.
1532. If its cheaper to buy a new gun than reload the old one, there’s a problem.
1533. Even if the rules allow it, can’t have a belt fed pistol.
1534. I will raise my hand if I’ve already heard the the DM’s riddle.
1535. The spell is called Prismatic Spray, not Taste the Rainbow.
1536. Before we start the dungeon crawl, I don’t have to have my monk oiled down.
1537. My Rogue Trader does not need to announce his arrival with eight hours of orbital bombardment.
1538. My mage can’t just sleepwalk to get around resting for spells.
1539. When the power gamer sleeps, can’t move the camp down the road.
1540. Can’t lure out House Laio mechwarriors by announcing a Chinese Firedrill.
1541. While highly effective, grabbing his a man by his small intestine and making him talk like a ventriloquist dummy is frowned on.
1542. My superhero didn’t survive the purge of supers by just playing left offensive guard for the Detroit Lions.
1543. My warhammer doesn’t have a claw part.
1544. Not allowed to just blow the supports under Menzoberranzan.
1545. No matter how appreciated, I have to have a better super power than ‘cures cancer by touch’
1546. I can’t spend Ship Points to put a Starbucks on the bridge.
1547. I will stop making up Space Marine Chapters.
1548. My netrunner’s icon has to be something other than the Space Invaders ship.
1549. The totalitarian government tends to notice large purchases of cows, trebuchets and surveying gear.
1550. The Dirty Harry ‘Feeling Lucky Punk’ speech doesn’t work with a longbow.
1551. During the Black Ops all cell phones go on vibrate.
1552. My Lunar Class Cruiser has more than one bathroom.
1553. I can’t wish my girlfriend was hot like you.
1554. Archvillains don’t care about zoning restrictions.
1555. No matter how well I roll on my intimidate check, France won’t surrender.
1556. I do not have weapon proficiency in Craftsman.
1557. I will not horde Electrum in 2nd edition because I know it will be phased out.
1558. No Dire Marmot mounts until they publish the rules.
1559. Any mention of Life Day gets everybody a dark side point.
1560. My character is not addicted to the Feeling, the Shindig, or Love.
1561. Not possible to tattoo the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel anywhere on my body.
1562. Weapon codes mean Bludgeoning, Slashing and Piercing. Not Ballistic, Serrated and Pneumatic.
1563. Dwarves have to take the platemail off before sex.
1564. Superspeed gives immunity to friction.
1565. Shapechanging is an acceptable super power. Shapechanging only into the ’93 San Diego Padres is not.
1566. Bunk Cards are not for 3 card monte.
1567. I don’t get to play anybody’s Shadow.
1568. Werewolves normally do not have access to the ‘Sonnet’ Specialization.
1569. The opening lyrics to Rock of Ages are not an acceptable substitute to a real plan.
1570. No signing infernal contracts in disappearing ink.
1571. Can’t bluff the Empire at Hoth with just a whole bunch of snowmen.
1572. The Navigator has Warp Sight. Not Insane-o-Vision.
1573. Attempting to woo the Space Elf Clown does not turn the adventure into a Harlequin romance.
1574. I do not have to scan the Romulan ambassador for cooties.
1575. Apaches do not settle arguments by Indian Leg Wrestling.
1576. I will tell the new player fantasy games means gnomes and wizards not assless chaps and jumper cables.
1577. The degauss gun is not a real gun.
1578. Every time the halfing gets a critical hit I don’t have to feed him a snack.
1579. No one in the party gets to name their character Kurgen McAsskicker.
1580. I will not spend 30 minutes of the game trying to buy an accordion.
1581. I will stop using crew as hit points.
1582. I need to stop telling new players bards were the original prestige class.
1583. Even if the rules allow it, can’t take a prestige class at level 4.
1584. Even if the rules allow it, you can’t sneak with a running chainsaw.
1585. Vegipygmies are not a part of this complete breakfast.
1586. The Progenitor’s job is not just to supply ‘the good stuff’.
1587. There is no way the Iteration X mage is going to make it through airport security.
1588. It’s not ok to stick the Syndicate agent with the check every single time.
1589. We aren’t calling the NWO agent at odd hours just to answer trivia questions.
1590. We will buy a GPS already so we don’t have to drag the Void Engineer everywhere.
1591. Rokea do not make pacman noises when they attack.
1592. If the Solar cringes, it’s time to reassess my alignment.
1593. Even if the rules allow it, I can’t build myself an Imperator Titan.
1594. Flak armor is not just a muscle shirt with the word “ARMOR” stenciled on it.
1595. We aren’t raising the villain from the dead because we haven’t killed him enough yet.
1596. Even if she’s the most dangerous, the party doesn’t appreciate me killing the naked chick first.
1597. Devils don’t appreciate natural 20’s on a bargain check.
1598. If my gun can easily kill everything in the room, I go last in initiative.
1599. There is no prize for having the prettiest werewolf.
1600. Even if the rules allow it, I can’t mount a flamethrower on a knife.
1601. Cephalopods do not get bonuses to attack Japanese women.
1602. Druids have many roles in the party. Minesweeper is not one of them.
1603. I am not El Vago the Gay Blade.
1604. When told to pick a number between 1 and 10, the answer is not pi.
1605. I cannot have a bluetooth telegraph.
1606. If my fireballs always form a mushroom cloud, time to tone it down a bit.
1607. They do not sell tire spikes at Kaybee Toys.
1608. I cannot kill any man in a way made famous by Rutger Hauer.
1609. Even if I am captain, I can’t have my men portage my frigate.
1610. If the GM says 3d6 straight down, he didn’t mean it if that gives me a pixie fairy berserker.
1611. Even if she started it, no setting the princess on fire.
1612. There is no such thing as Boobs +1.
1613. No matter how much they enjoy it, no juggling halfling children.
1614. I will stop telling the noob the Star Wars universe celebrates people exploding at the age of 25.
1615. Despite what the rules say, a dracheneisen life preserver is a bad idea.
1616. Despite what the math says, elves do not gestate for an entire decade.
1617. I will not take the flaw Enemy: Paranoids.
1618. Any character even remotely resembling Mr. B Natural is dead before the first dice are rolled.
1619. If the elf is rolling badly doesn’t mean we need to water him.
1620. I will not use the druid’s chakram to play frisbee with his dire wolf.
1621. No using the Reduce spell to only to buy a child’s ticket at the movies.
1622. Militech does not have a wedding registry.
1623. Can’t thwart the Cylon’s massive attack just by installing Norton Antivirus.
1624. It is bad form to sing along with the elevator music in a Black Ops.
1625. Verbena weigh more than a duck.
1626. My character’s favorite color is not Burnt Umber Hulk.
1627. Getting a blue chip for humor does not entitle me to an acceptance speech.
1628. If all the players have to pool their d6’s so I can roll for initiative, time to retire the character.
1629. I can’t medal in ass kicking.
1630. Starships do not have to drop anchor.
1631. Starfleet’s rules on using the Holodeck for recreating scenes from Caligula are very clear.
1632. I will not blow all my starting cash on just housecats.
1633. If Plan A was ‘Beat it out of him’ Plan B can’t be ‘Just ask nicely’
1634. If it’s revealed Shakespeare was the author of Funky Cold Medina my time machine privileges are revoked.
1635. No bioengineering dolphins to shot laser beams out of their blowholes.
1636. Animals native to Australia are not eligible for my druid’s companion.
1637. ‘Dibs’ is not a term of bereavement.
1638. Using the dwarf as a battering ram is expected. Other siege weapons not so much.
1639. No giving a character a dumb name so he can pick fights over it later.
1640. There is a limit to the number of adjectives I can attach to an uppercut.
1641. No matter what it says, my intelligent vorpal sword is not getting rewarded with a candy bar.
1642. No matter what the rules say, antibiotics can’t make a man’s head explode.
1643. Despite precedent, if the travel gets rough, we can’t eat the bard.
1644. Even if it fills the mission parameters, no machete killing sprees dressed like Carmen Miranda.
1645. One more bad pun for a character name and I’m forbidden from playing in the Furry RPG.
1646. I am not Wombatman.
1647. Any character requiring the GM to tab more than 10 pages of rules for reference is vetoed.
1648. Even if we are playing in the old west, can’t spend all my money on leather, whips and barbed wire.
1649. I can’t free the cannibals’ prisoners by starting a food fight with them.
1650. Venting non-essential crew to the void before payday is not an acceptable cost cutting measure.
1651. No teaching halflings how to fly.
1652. My negamagician will not taunt the wage mage Brer Rabbit style.
1653. The power gamer would appreciate me not bringing the book with the rule he is grotesquely abusing.
1654. A warning shot is not one that just wounds him.
1655. No using the halfling as a grappling hook.
1656. Starting a flame war on the internet is bad. Starting a flame war not on the internet is much, much worse.
1657. My halberdier is not guisarmed and dangerous.
1658. The words “Rock Opera” will not appear in any of my wishes.
1659. Just because he has specialization in observation skills does not mean ‘he likes to watch’.
1660. Even if we just stole all their alkaline chemicals, that does not mean all their base belongs to us.
1661. Cleaning out the dungeon means more than just backing up a cement truck to the window.
1662. No starting a mosh pit in a leper colony.
1663. There is no such thing as a ‘bad touch attack’
1664. If my Rogue Trader manages to arrive before he leaves, no cleaning up on the lottery.
1665. I will not forget to uncuff the pedophile from outside the car before driving back to the station.
1666. If if takes more than five minutes for the debris to stop falling, I need to pick a smaller gun.
1667. When told to distract the bad guy they didn’t mean by playing Wham over their commlinks.
1668. When told to distract the bad guy they didn’t mean by shooting the guy standing next to him.
1669. When told to distract the bad guy they didn’t mean by setting him on fire.
1670. Dungeons are not handicapped accessible.
1671. Before entering the dungeon I will take off the “I’m with tasty –>” tabard.
1672. I will remember the Incredible Luck super power is illegal in Vegas.
1673. I will not start dating another character’s archenemy.
1674. I cannot start the game radioactive.
1675. If an enemy fails a stun check, that does not give me a free hit for flinching.
1676. Before I get it on with the green chick, I’ll make sure she’s supposed to be that color.
1677. Before I sass the power gamer, make sure the other players got my back.
1678. I don’t get any XP for anything I killed in a flashback.
1679. No amount of character points lets me start as the Beatle’s bagpiper.
1680. The point of the Improvised Weapon Skill is not to see how many different things I can kill people with.
1681. Just crossing his fingers behind his back is not an option for my paladin.
1682. Snufficate is not a real way to kill somebody.
1683. Killing the orc horde by drowning them all at once is heroic. Killing them by drowning them one at a time is an alignment check.
1684. No making up euphemisms for death.
1685. There is no Neurotic Book of Fantasy.
1686. Dodge Everything While Standing Still is not a real spell.
1687. No following a minute behind Gold Leader and just shooting down Vader.
1688. Just because he starts every game in a tavern doesn’t mean the Barbarian needs rehab.
1689. 1/3 of the elf homeland’s GDP does not go to hair care products.
1690. I don’t get double XP if I kill the monster with explosive decompression.
1691. True Sight doesn’t tell me what the NPC’s treasure type is.
1692. Buying the alternative identity advantage is perfectly legal, unless it’s Elvis.
1693. When asked to describe my room, can’t use Smaug’s lair as a template.
1694. Debauchery is not a stat.
1695. Can’t load the shotgun just with rock salt because I’m feeling mean.
1696. Yes, Les Paul is a guitar god. No, he can’t grant spells.
1697. Can’t use the Decanter of Endless Water for water skiing, the Jacuzzi, or a wet tabard contest.
1698. Andorrans are not closely related to smurfs.
1699. The Astromech appreciates it if we’d stop using him for ordinance delivery.
1700. Even if the rules allow it, Lawful Good deities don’t appreciate human sacrifices to them.
1701. Can’t clear out a dungeon by sneaking in and running a generator while they sleep.
1702. Even if it’s historically accurate, can’t try to heal someone by cutting them.
1703. The time machine is not for finding ringers for our baseball team.
1704. Even if we’re playing Werewolf: The Wild West, can’t play the Lone Ranger.
1705. If my boss wakes up to find a young Frank Sinatra won American Idol, no more time machine for me.
1706. Before anybody makes a demolitions check, I will raise my hand if my skill is the highest.
1707. In the middle of a black ops, can’t play ‘will it bounce’ with the penthouse furniture.
1708. No bringing up the time we were nearly TPK’d by a jerboa.
1709. Even if its really cool, no throwing dry ice on the water weird.
1710. Mooning M. Bison is not an appropriate stunt action.
1711. I will not spend all my starting cash on the stock market.
1712. Can’t take out the villain by just propping a bucket of acid over his door.
1713. It is not necessary for the villain to say ‘Uncle’ before I accept his surrender.
1714. My martial artist has to actually know a martial art.
1715. Can’t just wizard lock the villain’s throne room and come back in two weeks after he’s starved to death.
1716. Summon Para-Legal Elemental is not a real spell.
1717. The spell Summon Vacuum Elemental is not for household chores.
1718. I don’t have to name everything we discover after myself.
1719. I can’t forge out a new Elven homeland by conquest unless the Elves want a new homeland.
1720. Contrary to popular opinion, the girdle of masculinity/femininity does have a noticeable effect on elves.
1721. The minute the GM figures out my Inquisitor is Lennie Briscoe, he dies.
1722. No building a Gatling Gatling gun.
1723. My martial arts style is vetoed if its just thirty different ways to hit a guy in the jewels.
1724. No matter how well I make my Animal Wrangling roll, can’t saddle break a Los Diablos.
1725. No god’s vestments include gogo boots.
1726. If I kill more goons with my rifle than the rest of the party without firing a shot, time to retire the character.
1727. When facing the classic weight balance trap, can’t use the halfling for ballast.
1728. Can’t have a gun that doubles as a jump jet.
1729. “Large things that hurt badly? is not an appropriate focus.
1730. No putting all my weapon points in the blowgun.
1731. If I take the blowgun, I at least have to poison the darts.
1732. Even if the rules allow it, can’t start a Vestenmannavnjar Dixie Land band.
1733. Dousing a character in beer is acceptable after a victory. Then setting him on fire is not.
1734. We aren’t continuing the mission until everybody is clear on the term “Going in hardcore”
1735. “Come here often?” is not what you say when rescuing the princess from the necromancer’s dungeon.
1736. Can’t name my rabbit familiar Watership.
1737. There is no par on a dragon.
1738. Even if I write it, can’t have my own theme song.
1739. The rules don’t cover laugh tracks.
1740. If the villain performs a kind act, can’t blackmail him with it later.
1741. Klingons don’t have a French accent.
1742. We aren’t relocating the campaign to Texas or Florida for tax reasons.
1743. No taunting characters about what they lost in the latest errata.
1744. Can’t one shot major villains just because the writers forgot to give them a basic defense.
1745. Contrary to popular belief, mercenaries don’t help divorce proceedings.
1746. Even if my culture has no spoken language, the campaign will not turn into a game of charades.
1747. There was no conspiracy to keep Wales out of 7th Sea.
1748. Can’t target microscopic organisms with spells.
1749. If my character is a hard drinking, hard partying muslim chick, it’s vetoed is she’s clearly my Ex.
1750. A barbarian is not just a fighter with less feats and more anger management issues.

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