Things Mr Welch Cannot Say During an RPG

1251. Even the rules disagree, my character can still drown.
1252. I cannot take the following as my favored enemies: Southpaws, Mother-in-law or Keynesian Economists.
1253. Even if I’m being shanghaied into playing a rather crappy campaign, can’t use Constitution as a dump stat.
1254. We aren’t luring the Arasaka agents out of the safehouse by making ice cream truck noises.
1255. Splitting the atom at will is not an acceptable super power.
1256. ‘Ignore the metaplot’ is also not an acceptable super power.
1257. No, the answer to the problem is not to make a gatling gun out of bazookas.
1258. Can’t base my character off a smurf.
1259. Even if I could base my character off a smurf, Ghurka Smurf was not a real smurf.
1260. No matter what the dice say, my renaissance inventor didn’t just invent manned space flight.
1261. If the villain’s three room lair holds over one hundred brutes, can’t just tip off the Fire Marshal.
1262. No rerouting the roller coaster through the Umbra.
1263. Can’t blame it on my gun.
1264. Will not retrofit my Federation Starship with fuses.
1265. Heavy bolters don’t come with a pistol grip.
1266. I will stop referring to my rogue as a freelance subterranean locksmith.
1267. The lockpicking kit must be more than a sawed off shotgun.
1268. Dwarves are physically incapable of performed the Dance of the Seven Veils.
1269. Even if the guy I based my character off was famous for doing it, I can’t kill eight guys with one bullet.
1270. Weapon Focus: Nukes is not a real feat.
1271. There will not be any sex in other player’s battlemechs.
1272. My Paladin can be charged with sexual harassment if he doesn’t watch exactly where he lays on hands.
1273. Any character that makes a seasoned Rifts player flinch is vetoed, and shall never be spoken of again.
1274. I can’t check the Soul Forge in as baggage.
1275. Will not reanimate dead familiars just to keep them around for sentimental reasons.
1276. Freeing slaves out of justice is good. Out of spite, not so much.
1277. No I can’t have an H. R. Giger Counter.
1278. An elf wardancer chick in nothing but body paint is totally hot. A Vesten berserker in nothing but body paint not so much.
1279. Basing characters off gestalt of historical characters is fine unless it’s Miyamoto Musashi and the mom from What’s Happening.
1280. Gold dragons do not conduct electricity better than other dragons.
1281. The two primary types of Halfling are not flathead and Phillips.
1282. My mad scientist does not get to divide the party into control and test groups.
1283. For the last time, the elf wears the maid disguise and the troll wears the bouncer disguise.
1284. There is no such thing as a Gnomish Pygmy Seeing Eye Rhino either.
1285. Just because I can play a charismatic Vestenmannavnjar missionary cleric, doesn’t mean I should.
1286. My Buddhist monk will lose the cockney accent.
1287. Let’s not taunt the minotaur with ‘How appropriate, you fight like a cow’
1288. I will spend my martial arts technique points on things other than blocking and running away.
1289. Even if the rules allow it, a laser sight doesn’t add to my chaingun’s accuracy. Yes, even if I have one on each barrel.
1290. I will refrain to take character roles that the game forgot to make any rules for.
1291. Just because I’m playing an anthropomorphic Emperor Marmoset doesn’t give me the noble advantage for free.
1292. Cannot bribe the target’s HR director to start casual Fridays just to make our upcoming Black Ops easier that week.
1293. I can’t avoid plot mandated ambushes no matter how hard I try.
1294. No I can’t have a magelock mini-slugger.
1295. I will not spend all my freebie points buying quantakinetic auxiliary modes.
1296. No we can’t weld the Star Destroyer’s bridge shut.
1297. There is a 100xp penalty every time we remind the GM of the Bionic Six.
1298. If the adventure includes the birth of a god, we still can’t file for holiday pay that day.
1299. In the middle of a Black Ops I can’t compose an offensive joke on the target CEO’s email and CC the entire company.
1300. If the GM can’t lift all the GURPS books needed to run my character, he’s vetoed.
1301. The 10’ pole in the starting equipment list cannot support the weight of an exotic dancer.
1302. Scorched Earth Day is not a holiday, even in Cyberpunk.
1303. Nothing in Victoria’s Secret catalog is available in Dracheneisen.
1304. Even if they are better in combat according to character generation, the USMC frowns on octogenarians in front line combat.
1305. No amount of background will allow me to name the character Biff Buttoms.
1306. State Troopers are immune to the effects of the Delirium, so I need to find another way out of that speeding ticket.
1307. No matter how well I make my fashion roll, L’Empereur is not going to the ball dressed in a Catholic school girl’s uniform.
1308. Everybody was not gun-fu fighting.
1309. Even if my character is Canadian, that doesn’t mean he can take a 1.524 meter free step.
1310. I will pick my character’s girlfriend based on something more than how much fire support she can provide.
1311. I will not one shot an Eisenfurst.
1312. The plan will not continue until the GM finds out who Zan Tabak is.
1313. I will do nothing that tarnishes Hello Kitty’s memory.
1314. Gravity defying breasts, while impressive, do not count as a super power.
1315. Even if my character is Orthodox Jewish, I will check other characters’ pulse before trying to bury them.
1316. A NASCAR pit crew cannot repair all my vehicle’s damage in one round.
1317. My character will refrain from appearing with Hitler in any history books. Especially if I’m chasing him with a wheat thresher.
1318. Fauner Posen’s Boy Toy is not technically a position at court.
1319. I will only use the module’s suggested tactics to stop the ground assault and ignore the squadron of Y-Wings 100 meters away.
1320. There is no such thing as a Ballista-o-Gram.
1321. I will not accuse the Traveler News Service of liberal bias.
1322. The Ewok does not appreciate the giant hamster wheel we put in his quarters. Ingrate.
1323. I will not spend my entire Muster bonus on lottery tickets.
1324. If another player took the Disadvantage: Stutters, I can’t play a K’Kree.
1325. Black and Decker does not make droids either.
1326. I will not blow all my points on extra limbs just so I can play the superhero “Millipede Man”
1327. Just because the Great Race of Yith’s effect on sanity is minimal, doesn’t mean I should invite them over for dinner with the folks.
1328. The very concept of a Hutt lap dancer will earn me a dark side point.
1329. The M203 is not for long range bocce ball.
1330. Getting someone to spot for me is not going to give me a bonus on a strength check.
1331. I will not hex someone into looking like a piñata. Especially in Mexico City.
1332. Even if silence is required for the entire adventure, we are not naming the Black Ops Operation: Mimecrime.
1333. I will tell the noob the game is about post nuclear Europe and not love struck vampires before we start.
1334. You cannot tell if somebody is a power gamer by the faint smell of Gouda.
1335. I can not filibuster in the middle of my dying speech to buy the cleric more time.
1336. Even if we are told to pick a manly name for the game, Genocidicles is a bit much.
1337. Can’t lure the Bastet into an ambush by turning on the can opener.
1338. Jack Lalanne: Wrong type of Juicer.
1339. If unsure of what side of the road we drive on, the middle of the road is not a healthy compromise.
1340. Brute squads make poor bridesmaids. The reverse is not necessarily true.
1341. Even if the rules allow it, I cannot become famous for not being famous.
1342. There is no god of Wombats, no matter how much I pray.
1343. If I have to explain to the halfling’s sister why we dressed him like a raccoon, we’re all in trouble.
1344. No matter how cool it would be, we can’t use the time machine to loan Ike a few A-10 squadrons for D-Day.
1345. I don’t get a drama die just because the GM pees.
1346. I will not waste wishes on professional sporting events.
1347. Hooking up with the gamer chick the Storyteller was angling for gets me banned from the game.
1348. When attempting to lure the giant to sleep with a bardic lullaby, I will leave out the lyric “So we can kill you.”
1349. I will not program the medical droid for “aggressive dentistry.”
1350. I will not dare the wage mage into trying to summon a class 20 spirit.
1351. Guardian mode is not just for flipping people the bird in the middle of battle.
1352. Even if we are issued a nuke, I’m not allowed to touch it.
1353. I will stop trying to get a reality TV show for our Black Ops team.
1354. We are not going to stall 10,000 Uruk-Hai with a fake tollbooth.
1355. Pointing out the massive plothole in the villain’s plan is not going to stop her from attacking.
1356. Before we start, let’s make sure whether everybody blows up if I shoot a shield with a lasgun.
1357. Preliminary saturation carpet bombing is not automatically Plan A.
1358. Even if I only get to swing a sword once per minute, I can’t stop to smoke between attacks.
1359. I can’t call my gun by a stupid nickname, even if it’s the one that the game suggested.
1360. Woodchippers, while useful, aren’t normal gear for a Black Ops.
1361. I will not tell the new players gelatinous cubes come in a variety of yummy flavors.
1362. The cleric is not tax exempt.
1363. No matter how much fun, we are not retrofitting a tank with jumpjets.
1364. I cannot mint my own currency.
1365. Just because they make a miniature with that ability, doesn’t mean I can take that ability.
1366. I will not use the mass suggestion spell to make the elf babes to make out.
1367. Gnomes are not nature’s tripods.
1368. Dwarves do not groom themselves like cats. Or baboons.
1369. Elves do to have nipples.
1370. Halflings are not used as currency.
1371. “Biggio leans into pitch” is not a real kung fu maneuver.
1372. Even if the rules allow it, I cannot have a monofilament sledgehammer.
1373. If we can’t fit the droid in the freighter, I can’t play him.
1374. No matter I well I make the animal handling roll, I can’t break in a Juggernaught of Khorne.
1375. Setting Jawas on fire with a magnifying glass is an automatic dark side point.
1376. Motorcycle tires will cause aggravated wounds on a case by case basis.
1377. No feat affects hang time.
1378. We will limit the total amount of conversation on the topic of “Hot Gnome on Gnome action.”
1379. I will not threaten to glue the old rules for gnomes over the new rules for Elves Mk II.
1380. Even if the rules allow it, I cannot disarm someone in melee with a longbow.
1381. I will just not dump the vampire in the Umbra and call it a day.
1382. Growing a goatee will not give me a bonus for sneaking into the villain’s lair.
1383. Portable Plothole is not a real magic item.
1384. I will not start a Ponzi scheme involving the entire party.
1385. Even if I couldn’t attend the session when everything went to hell, it’s still my fault.
1386. The Stanley Cup does not have the same power as the Holy Grail, even on Canadians.
1387. The MMORPG convert doesn’t actually have to role play in his first game.
1388. Characters wanting to join the party do not have to undergo the Flash Gordon tree monster ceremony.
1389. I cannot have a palanquin in my starting gear.
1390. Having a reputation for having a reputation does not grant me more reputation.
1391. I will quit hogging the legend chips.
1392. No digging out all the bullets in my character and reusing them.
1393. No using the grapple rules to change the course of history.
1394. I will not take on the entire dungeon using only one body part to attack.
1395. Eldar really hate it when you greet them with “Live long and prosper”
1396. No matter his condition, we aren’t selling the villain’s corpse as modern art.
1397. Count on a back up villain if we ace the first one in two rounds without damage.
1398. I will not give my preteen kids my work number, especially if I’m on a Black Ops.
1399. The Monkey Grip feat doesn’t have anything to do with gripping monkeys.
1400. Winona Ryder’s bare breasts are not an acceptable weakness for my super hero.
1401. I will stop shooting at natural disasters.
1402. No spending all my starting gold on just a loincloth.
1403. Can’t use dominate to make vampires forget to change their clocks for Daylight Savings Time.
1404. I will not spoil the adventure’s mandatory ambush by using the cheesy tactic of a “scout”.
1405. It’s obvious I’m just playing a skald so I can sing “Bjeorning, Bjoerning, Disco Inferno”
1406. The primary dwarf subraces are Sedimentary, Igneous and Metamorphic.
1407. I will not vote to play a game that has needed a rules decision from an economist.
1408. Even if the rules allow it, I cannot fence with a katana.
1409. I can’t have a skill if the rules say I can’t have, even if the rules say I’m also good at it.
1410. Bleaching the drow won’t help.
1411. Despite what the rules say, bobsledding through the Vatican is much harder than it looks.
1412. I will not make the DM break out the siege rules until I’m at least second level.
1413. Even if the dungeon has only one exit, can’t just starve the villain out.
1414. A Black Ops is not the appropriate place to declare my candidacy for mayor.
1415. Carpet bombing is not an appropriate specialization for a starting character.
1416. The guy with the meltagun doesn’t automatically have to carry the popcorn.
1417. I do not have time in the Black Ops to play Tetris with the building lights.
1418. The Elvish language is not just English with a hell of a lot of lisping.
1419. I cannot convert to Scottish just for tax purposes.
1420. Doing 50 in a 45 does not cause an alignment check for the paladin.
1421. Gods don’t tap out.
1422. Montaigne aren’t required to surrender after the second turn.
1423. Eisenfurst Wishce didn’t appreciate the lap dance.
1424. I will keep the fact the king’s heraldry looks like a ferret in need of the Heimlich Maneuver to myself.
1425. Lying about benefits being cut are not going make the guards too disgruntled to fight back later.
1426. I am not “He who must not be named only in passing.”
1427. It is not a race to 0 SAN.
1428. No spending half the game session seeing what rhymes with Nyarlathotep.
1429. Even if I did manage to work all the lyrics to 22 Acacia Avenue in character in the game, no bonus XP.
1430. If the party goes out like 300, that’s cool. Thelma and Louise not so much.
1431. When the DM sobers up, my paladin’s flumph mount is as good as dead.
1432. Using my prior knowledge of the adventure to force the game along while encouraged, is discouraged.
1433. Zentradi are not good eating.
1434. Emergency supplies are not for childish pranks.
1435. The “Dibs” system is not a recognized method of promotion in the Ordo Malleus.
1436. In case of premature termination, the dungeon boss has an identical twin brother on standby.
1437. High recoil guns and roller skates are not an accepted method of transportation.
1438. You can’t find true names in a phone book.
1439. If the top floor is too well defended, can’t just blow off the next to top floor.
1440. Can’t start the game with echolocation.
1441. I will not wait until the first combat to tell the new guy that the lower his AC the better.
1442. In the middle of a Black Ops I don’t have time to elope.
1443. Wizards do not have to save against carpal tunnel syndrome.
1444. My Ally advantage and Arch Enemy flaw can’t both represent the same person.
1445. If I take a Buddhist monk I get lots of combat bonuses that I can’t use without violating my religion.
1446. Even if the rules allow it, can’t catch bullets with my pects.
1447. My Bard will not take a trombone just so he can attack and use his bard song at the same time.
1448. No such thing as preemptive last rites.
1449. Any plan that would quickly, logically and safely defeat the module early is doomed to failure.
1450. Cannot summon an elemental out of any material that only exists in a laboratory environment.
1451. Cannot name my Droid WEG-D6
1452. Despite it’s phenomenal success rate, a multi-melta is not the solution to all my problems.
1453. When the dwarf has an idea, no making the “He’s drunk” motion behind his back.
1454. The paladin does not appreciate us painting his dire tiger green and orange.
1455. Like a cow who goes to the well to often, I will stop speaking only in metaphors.
1456. Will not blow all my skill points on just ballroom dances.
1457. I will remember the Japanese response to uncomfortable situations is to giggle, not a kick in the kiwis.
1458. The ability to mimic other people’s luck powers does not make me a karma chameleon.
1459. Even if the game is set in 1912, the female characters get a vote on the party’s action.
1460. Even if the rules allow it, can’t fish with a flamethrower.
1461. I will not insist on playing a LAM pilot just to see if the Robotech lawyers were really serious.
1462. Dwarves do not have the racial ability to merge into a larger, more powerful dwarf.
1463. I will not take Resources 0 and Status 5 and just confiscate money as I need it.
1464. Cannot use the requisition skill to get a beach house in the Virgin islands, even if Congress can.
1465. My sideburns cannot earn their own fear rating.
1466. I must sing my kids to sleep before the black ops.
1467. I will not sing other characters’ kids to sleep before, during or after the black ops.
1468. None of the Summon Animal spells will get me the drummer from the Muppets.
1469. No crossclassing just to get all the different animal sidekicks.
1470. Will not break it to the other player her 3 1/2′ elf is not taller than my 3’6″ tall gnome.
1471. The party will not enter into a tontine, that just encourages the evil players.
1472. No matter what the rules say, I can’t chase the villain around the map indefinately.
1473. When I’m told to get an alias, they didn’t mean that chick with the azure bonds.
1474. The concept of puberty is not alien to the elves.
1475. There is more to playing a Finn than cellphones, reindeer and sniper rifles.
1476. Even if I have a salient point, I won’t call the Rush Limbaugh show in the middle of a Black Ops.
1477. If I’m playing an alien, I can’t have alkaline for blood.
1478. Burning Orb spell doesn’t cause jock itch.
1479. Using the time machine to put ‘W’ at the front of the alphabet is silly.
1480. I will not add the restriction “only to cook eggs” to any of my super powers.
1481. The Island of Small Breasted Fantasy Females does not exist.
1482. Even if Detroit can do it, I can’t add the trait “Randomly bursts into flame” to my car.
1483. There is more to stopping a zombie horde than punji pits.
1484. Just because I can, doesn’t mean I should drop a house on the witch.
1485. No amounts of dots in fashion will let me use my bio-varg for formal wear.
1486. I cannot convince the entire party to play Squats.
1487. I cannot take a sidekick if all he’s gonna do is trail us with a high powered rifle.
1488. Dropping a tree on the lich creates more rules problems that its worth.
1489. My bard will not stop every passing minstrel for a round of Dueling Banjos.
1490. I will not use the ventriloquism skill to deliver bad news to the Emperor.
1491. Even if the rules allow it, can’t add the High Speed Pursuit Option to a steamroller.
1492. I will not turn the DM into a drinking game.
1493. No metamagic feat lets me add fragmentation to my spells.
1494. When playing a teleporter, I will buy the ability to actually teleport.
1495. I will not just buy the ability to teleport everybody but me.
1496. When I’m out of character, the hand puppets come off.
1497. I will not use the time machine to make “Don’t blame me, I voted for Tilden” bumper stickers.
1498. Shooting him in the foot first does not give me a bonus to the ridicule check.
1499. Even if historical accuracy is important in the adventure, I will not become the Nazi Nazi.
1500. I will not convince the dragon to eat the elf instead because he’s organically grown.

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