Things Mr Welch Cannot Say During an RPG

751. If the party has to pose as classical German composers, I will not declare “I’ll be Bach”
752. Cannot take the spetum as my favorite weapon just because it sounds dirty.
753. No encouraging swedish accents.
754. Even if the rules give no maximum encumbrance, still can’t pick up the bank and walk away with it.
755. There is a reason no game has pasties in it’s starting equipment list.
756. The Power Armor skill does not have a cascade skill dance.
757. I will not build a character with a skill from every single expansion book.
758. Not allowed to take a toad for a familiar just for it’s pharmaceutical properties.
759. Restricted to one blue chip for humor per game.
760. Can’t use the time machine to rename famous historical discoveries after myself.
761. Not allowed to forge the 1.1 ring.
762. Fighter can’t put points in Perform just so he can hammer dance after each fatal critical hit.
763. No slipping the juicer Ritalin.
764. In the middle of a chase in a commandeered car can’t spend an action to change the radio presets.
765. Can’t parry with a called shot to the face.
766. No more Crazy Ivans while I’m driving the AT-AT.
767. When challenged to a high noon shoot-out, that means in the time zone I’m currently in.
768. Burning my bard song on CD and putting it on repeat does not mean the effect never ends.
769. Before turning undead, make sure the assassin didn’t take the vampire template.
770. My mythos investigator doesn’t talk in his sleep.
771. Mashed potatoes do not add to my damage resistance.
772. Not allowed to base a paladin off Lee Marvin.
773. My great axe priviledges can be taken away.
774. If I’ve leveled up 5 times to the Dragonkin’s 0, that doesn’t mean I’m lapping him.
775. My investigator’s motto is not “99% Mythos Lore, 1% Sanity- don’t push me”
776. Even if it was obviously in self defense, my character is not allowed to kill George Takei.
777. Tai Kwan Doberman is not a real martial art.
778. It is not possible to bioengineer a kosher pig.
779. Even if we are in Ravenloft, Paladin can’t go up ten levels in one night.
780. When told I have to join the RPGA to play in a game, can’t sign the membership card “D. Duck.”
781. My tribe’s trial by combat ritual is not best described as “Calvinball with axes”
782. My paladin’s job is not to enforce happiness.
783. The following are also not acceptable Ironclaw characters: Mortal Wombat, Dalai Llama, Boom Orangutan.
784. Monks do not make 3 Stooges sounds in combat.
785. Even if the rules allow it, can’t shoot 20 guys in one round with a musket.
786. No I cannot keep the drow priestess we just found as a pet.
787. “Start a career in modeling” is not an appropriate use of the Suggestion spell.
788. “You take the scary one” is not our default battle strategy.
789. Even if it’s for his own safety, can’t secretly remove the firing pins from the powergamer’s guns.
790. If I have access to warm water, I don’t take watch unsupervised.
791. Not allowed to give any birthday gift to a child that immediately earns me a dark side point.
792. Despite the movie’s claims, Wookies get no racial bonus for chess.
793. When building a superhero, can’t spend half his points on radar sense and the other half on cooking.
794. Pregen characters do not have cutesy nicknames, even if their real names are pretty lame.
795. Improved Evasion is not solid proof “Duck and Cover” works.
796. In the middle of the black ops can’t lock a bunch of long haired molting cats into the CEO’s office.
797. If in the middle of our dressing down our CO strokes out, we took the joke too far.
798. Not allowed to use guppies as buckshot.
799. Can’t hunt drow with a spotlight and 30.06.
800. The default response to a social challenge in any game is not to just shoot them.
801. We do not settle disputes in Paper-Rock-Scissors with games of Vampire.
802. Fake eye spots on my helmets do not help intimidate the monster.
803. If my personal carried firepower exceeds that of the Battleship Texas, there’s a problem.
804. I cannot take the Dementia: Obsession counting things if I’m not a Malkavian.
805. On second thought, I can’t take it even if I am a Malkavian.
806. My character cannot have a noticeable impact, positive or negative, on a town’s population.
807. Large dice are for rolling. Not sound effects.
808. Covering fire does not include nuclear weapons.
809. I don’t earn the bonus XP for a written background if it’s just a summary of the plot to Dig-Dug.
810. While the party is off searching for secret doors, can’t position the slain orcs in compromising positions.
811. In the middle of a black ops can’t reprogram the cleaning droids to wax the floors for 12 hours straight.
812. I don’t have to take a lower level bard adventuring as my opening act.
813. Taking the orc warlord’s skull as a trophy is acceptable. Not as a hand puppet.
814. Sending the villain a nymph stripper only works once.
815. Somebody doesn’t “accidentally” fall on two dozen shanks.
816. The adventure wrap up is the epilogue. Not Miller Time.
817. Cannot challenge anyone to a dance off. To the death.
818. Augment their psi means their mental powers, not their air pressure.
819. Taking each class as I level in alphabetical order is forbidden.
820. Even if the rules allow it, my Paladin can’t serve the god of obituaries.
821. My sorcerer will not take a level in druid just to make it easier to get to the flammable stuff.
822. If everybody in the room is in black leather, we’re in the thieves’ guild. Not a fetish club.
823. Even if infinitely useful, absolute power over elastics is not an appropriate super power.
824. The back up trap handler is not the guy with the lowest INT.
825. I cannot have Bracers of Brachiation until I tell the DM what brachiation really means.
826. Elves do not respond to chainsaws the same ways dogs react to vacuum cleaners.
827. My battlemech does not play Dixie every time I hit the jump jets.
828. Even if the mages critically fumbles his stealth check, can’t threaten to bleed him slow.
829. Despite the song’s claim, a pelvic thrust does not cause Sanity loss.
830. Even if we are in Sweden, I can’t use one blanket seduction check on the entire crowd.
831. I didn’t ‘accidentally’ forget to buy any skills.
832. I will not run up my bar tab and then skip out leaving the DM’s super NPC to foot the bill.
833. Overrunning a larger army is not a glorious victory if it happened at 3AM and they were still in bed.
834. I will stop reminding Elminster he’s not as cool as Merlin, Gandalf or that shapechanging wizard from Krull.
835. I cannot lure out the Psycho Killer into an ambush by having sex with another character.
836. No paraphrasing the party leader’s elaborate plan as ‘pick somebody you don’t like and let them know it.’
837. Even if the rules allow it, I can’t take the 1st Armored Division as an ally.
838. Doesn’t matter how high my influence is; I still can’t make Carmen Miranda hats part of the unit’s dress code.
839. In the middle of a black ops no inserting a memo into the target’s computer mandating ‘clothing optional Mondays’.
840. Even if it would have immediately solved the last six adventures, I won’t throw dynamite in every well I come across.
841. No more tricking rookies into putting whoopie cushions on Lord Vader’s throne.
842. When handed Dieties and Demigods and told to pick a god for my druid, I will skip right by the Cthulhu Mythos.
843. It doesn’t matter how high his hit points or damage reduction are, we aren’t sending the dwarf into battle via catapult.
844. As a matter of fact, Jeopardy does screen for telepaths.
845. It’s not a good idea to taunt Greek heroes with “Who’s your daddy?”
846. Doesn’t matter if it’s an anime style game, I don’t get a bonus to hit with eyepokes.
847. Polymorph Mother-in-Law is not a real spell.
848. The Caern is not “Disneyworld as if run by coyotes”
849. The FBI tends to notice when people buy several miles of hamster tubing at once.
850. Doesn’t matter how practical, we aren’t reanimating the dead dragon and having him haul that horde back for us.
851. When plumbing the depths of depravity, I must remember to come up for air.
852. Any superhero offensive to more than two major religions is vetoed.
853. Even if I’m faced with yet another Get of Fenris Lupus Ahroun, I will not refer to him as CliChe Guevara.
854. We will not take the dead dryad with us to use as kindling.
855. I will not keep reincarnating that bugbear until he comes back as something we can actually eat.
856. A funeral is not a proper place for setting new fashion trends.
857. I will not disbelieve the magic mouth before he gives out the important plot information.
858. Even if it is hours of entertainment, can’t feed the Red Talon peanut butter.
859. I will concede we’re on a dungeon crawl and stop trying to talk to the monsters.
860. Under religion I cannot put Born Again Klingon.
861. I will not use undocumented zombie workers to help build my castle.
862. Bigby’s Offensive Finger is not a real spell.
863. Even if there is no alignment in Traveller, giving feuding TL1 tribes TL12 weapons and putting the results on PPV is just wrong.
864. My doctor’s bag will contain more than just a bonesaw and a bottle of whiskey.
865. I do not put the cad in decadent, nor the rave in depraved.
866. Even if it’s catchy, I don’t have to yell my battlecry everytime I roll to attack.
867. We can’t all play bards just to relive our favorite Spinal Tap moments.
868. I cannot have a gun with an area of affect larger than it’s range.
869. Richard Simmons is not an appropriate role model for a Get of Fenris.
870. I will not use my vast personal knowledge of Dublin, Texas to get an unfair advantage in the campaign.
871. My halfling cannot take the flaw Obsession: Ring of Invisibility.
872. Any gun that sets off the metal detector before I even pass through it is vetoed.
873. I will not combine Thermographic Sights and a gun that can shoot through walls. It makes Black Ops too easy.
874. After cleaning out Ravenloft, when it’s my turn to pick treasure, can’t call dibs on the castle.
875. If my superhero has a healing factor, claws, combat sense and longevity, he can’t take the flaw Total Pacifist.
876. If I want to play a rampaging nordic warrior and get handed a treehugging elf hippie instead, I can’t play her like a rampaging nordic warrior.
877. Even if I am playing a chick, I can’t spend all my starting cash on shoes.
878. Rifts in the time/space continuum are not for my personal amusement.
879. Buying a bigger gun does not restore sanity.
880. Searching the dead PC for spell components is ok. Using him for spell components is not.
881. Any character that can run the 2 minute mile is vetoed.
882. I will not convince the party to name all the characters the same thing.
883. I do not need to see proof of insurance before making a medtech roll.
884. Customs doesn’t care what my charisma bonus is.
885. Halflings do not store food in their cheeks for winter.
886. Elves are not deciduous.
887. Despite evidence to the contrary, half-elves do not automatically go both ways.
888. Breast enhancing spells gain no benefits from meta-magic feats.
889. I will not try to regain sanity by nailing the reporter chick in public.
890. Dwarves do not get Roto-Rooters as racial weapons.
891. I will not brag too loudly I’m the real reason behind the sinking of the Titanic.
892. Cultists tend to notice if you’ve replaced their summoning ritual with Jitterbug instructions.
893. Invisibility is all or nothing, can’t just target their clothes.
894. I can’t just keeping buy rounds of drinks until everybody passes out so I can rob them.
895. I will not miss the final epic battle just because I crit my seduction check.
896. Polish is not a sub-dialect of gnomish.
897. Any action causing the powergamer to storm off while actually appreciated is frowned upon.
898. Healing people of other faiths gets a penalty in Deadlands. Not Serenity.
899. I will not have the architect build my castle using a hexadecimal base to screw with the powergamer.
900. I will not fill the bag of holding with dirt so we can just fill in pit traps as we detect them.
901. In the middle of the Black Ops a diversion is not blowing off the top twenty floors of the building.
902. Can’t set the bad guy on fire until after I’ve blown the persuasion roll.
903. If I fail to make a bluff check, can’t shoot him to change it to an intimidate check.
904. Not possible to fire a gun with your teeth.
905. Humming the James Bond theme in the middle of a Black Ops doesn’t give me any bonuses.
906. They make platemail in a variety of styles. Crotchless is not one of them.
907. Can’t use my attack bonus as a substitute for the skill: Hibachi Chef.
908. I can’t take Telekinesis as an auxilary mode just to get free food from the snack machine.
909. Dual wielding spike chains does not let me use the battlecry “DANGER WILL ROBINSON DANGER!”
910. I will not convince the entire party to play rockerboys so we can be a Europe cover band.
911. Can’t take a level of monk just for tone.
912. Droogie is not a starting language.
913. After casting my one first level spell, can’t leave the dungeon to go sleep.
914. Can’t bribe the biokinetic to take my drug test for me.
915. On second thought, let’s not disguise the wookies in the stormtrooper uniforms.
916. A runic facial tattoos is acceptable for my berserker. Not a Betty Boop.
917. Have one point in every single skill in the game doesn’t count as a super power.
918. Can’t clean out the dungeon by renting the adjacent dungeon and being as obnoxious as possible.
919. Goldfish do not get a bonus in a staredown.
920. My mech gunner can’t have a nude pinup in his cockpit. Especially if it’s of his pilot.
921. “But she’s hot!” is not an acceptable excuse for my Black Ops solo dating the tabloid reporter.
922. No matter how much we look, we’re not finding the secret door leading to the back of the villain’s hideout.
923. Druids do not hibernate.
924. Before I make my next wish I have to ask myself: “Is this going to shatter the very fabric of reality again?”
925. Any gun that can fire more rounds in one shot than I can physically carry is vetoed.
926. If given a stock NPC, I must play him as written. So Jar-Jar has to lose the sarape and the cigar.
927. I do not get a bulk discount at the jenny’s guild.
928. The Flaw: Odious Personal Habit- Teleports into romantic moments is only available at the maximum penalty.
929. Telekinetic Redhead Chick is not a real superhero.
930. Even if the rules allow it, I cannot circumnavigate the world on foot in one turn.
931. There are no alignment restrictions on becoming a lawyer.
932. Nowhere in the bible does it say ninjas have to line up in a straight line to fight me.
933. If escorting a high priority target, I can’t biosculpt the entire team to look like her.
934. Nerve gas complicates fast talk rolls.
935. Cannot take the shape of any animal the GM doesn’t know.
936. ‘The power of Christ compels me’ does not justify my Blessed’s actions.
937. I cannot take life insurance out on anybody I have for the enemy background.
938. Psychotherapy doesn’t eliminate the alignment change penalty.
939. Just because I’ve hit name level does not automatically give me groupies.
940. I will not abuse the Exemplary virtue to set up highly choreographed dance routines with random crowds.
941. In the middle of a black ops I cannot make an educational video.
942. We do not need an elf on this dungeoncrawl for the same reason miners need canaries.
943. I am not Bjorn of Borg.
944. Before accepting a harem as a reward for my heroism, need to check with the wife.
945. I don’t get any equipment before the GM can Google it.
946. If Australia doesn’t exist, I can’t use my Australian accent. Even if I am playing a space koala.
947. I cannot bet the powergamer he can’t field strip the grenade faster than me.
948. Even if the rules allow it, I can’t catch dropped cannonballs with my teeth without drawbacks.
949. I will not make my castle’s halls 9x9x9′ to keep out gelatinous cubes.
950. The ability to give superpowers to characters is acceptable. Naming the character Captain Franchise is not.
951. The most important stat in Call of Cthulhu is not movement.
952. Keifer Sutherland does not make numerous cameos in my character’s background telling him he’s destined for greatness.
953. No matter how high my strength, still can’t use that wall as a shield.
954. I will not convince the entire party to play identical copies of the same character on the grounds we’re sextuplets.
955. No matter his age, my bard can’t start a boy-band.
956. Despite the halberd being 6′ long, it can’t hit monsters more than 5′ away.
957. Even if it’s been more than two hours since we left the bar, the dwarf isn’t getting the DT’s.
958. No matter how practical, I can’t have shotgunchucks.
959. The town drunk is not our one stop source for all mythos happenings in every town.
960. I will not base my Call of Cthulhu character off the lead character in Slingblade.
961. Even if I am pissed for working on my birthday, in the middle of a Black Ops I will not refer to my CO only by his first name.
962. If I don’t have an instrument for my bardic song, an ‘air mandolin’ won’t suffice.
963. After critting with a cannon, we can’t dump a barrel of gunpowder over the gunner’s mate.
964. Elves aren’t marsupials.
965. Even if we’re freezing to death, I won’t cut open the half-orc and shove the elf inside him.
966. Using precog on the personals to find out who puts out on a first date is abusing the power.
967. There is no such thing as a Tequila Golem.
968. A paladin with a British accent is acceptable. One with a Peter Lorre accent isn’t.
969. When I’m allowed a bunny as a familiar, that doesn’t include Ava Fabian.
970. I will not make a super hero that requires a graphing calculator to create.
971. I cannot take the flaw Enemy: Random packs of wild dogs.
972. “Threesome” is not a specialty of the seduction skill.
973. Shotguns are not a traditional part of Texas funerals.
974. If short changed at the Hong Kong deli I will call the manager. Not roll for initiative.
975. There is something wrong with a 2nd level Kamikaze.
976. I was not issued a flamethrower for my own personal amusement.
977. Disable plot device is not a real skill.
978. Nowhere in the plan does Franco go in where the others have been.
979. Mumus do not appear in the starting equipment list for a reason.
980. As a matter of fact, a 90′ tall hostile pineapple is much more terrifying than a dragon.
981. My last wish cannot be for Ragnarok.
982. Trailblaze means find a path, not cut down every tree between here and there.
983. Elves do not take 1d3 1 minutes for their entire menstrual cycle.
984. In the middle of a black ops I cannot moonlight as tech support.
985. Even if it isn’t in the rules, I have to use the same scale miniature as everybody else.
986. I cannot switch miniatures between each combat.
987. Even if starving, can’t suckle the elf chick.
988. David Bowie cannot cast glitterdust at will. This issue is also closed.
989. When asked to describe my character, I can leave out the hickies.
990. Even if he botches his medicine roll, I can’t sue the medtech for malpractice.
991. “Kiww the Wabbit” is not a proper viking battlecry.
992. The rest of the party would appreciate it if I didn’t take Munchhausen Syndrome by Proxy as a flaw.
993. Even if the rules allow it, I can’t empty out the entire castle for a week with just a cherry bomb.
994. Corporate Pop Whore is not a real prestige class.
995. Drakkar Heartgourger is not a proper name for a paladin.
996. Dwarves can’t take trees as favored enemies.
997. I can’t beat on the drow until he admits his name is Toby.
998. The script for the Baywatch movie does not cause more Sanity loss than the Necronomicon.
999. I can’t train squirrel mobs to abuse the grapple rules.
1000. I will stop referring to the powergamer as MinMaximus.

Leave a comment