Things Mr Welch Cannot Say During an RPG

501. Even if playing a game allowing animal characters, Tai Chihuahua is not a good concept.
502. If my name isn’t Grimlock, can’t start every sentence with “Me Grimlock”
503. Dwarves do not get Beard Cancer.
504. If the party is to frequently meet with Queen Victoria, I cannot play a Texan.
505. My warrior cleric will not pick his deity solely on the god’s BAB.
506. Mjy Vjikjing Skjald wjill njot tjake ljibjertjies wjith thje rjunjic ajlphjabjet.
507. My character cannot give another character the alcoholic disadvantage during play.
508. I will not tell the noobie to roll his THACO.
509. I will not base my superpowers off of Christ. Even if my character is nothing like him.
510. After a bloody battle, I will not celebrate by lying down and making carnage angels.
511. When GM demands to know what my character is doing, it better not be “The Charleston”
512. The nationality of my favorite soccer team does not add to my Brawl Skill.
513. Trying to rip the face off the villain will not get the Scooby-Doo ending.
514. No giving my Roman gladiator the short disadvantage and naming him Minimus.
515. I am not the Lord of Rodly Might.
516. Not allowed to name my characters Grimlock.
517. I cannot make called shots to their self esteem.
518. Affirmative Action does not require me to play a drow.
519. Dual wielding party members is also frowned upon.
520. Under no circumstances is my medical droid allowed a groin mounted rectal thermometer.
521. I will not convince the entire party to play Amish for the cyberpunk campaign.
522. Not allowed to parry at the wrist.
523. When I’m rescued the correct response is ‘thank you’ not ‘took your freaking time!’
524. I will not ask my gun for advice.
525. Running a non-stop Rocky Horror fest for staked vampires is outside the budget for most Samedi.
526. If an NPC is known as the “One” I cannot volunteer to be the “Two”.
527. Even if the rules allow it, I cannot spend $64,000 to get the vorpal option for a forklift.
528. I cannot buy every single advantage during character creation.
529. My character is not from Duncan, Idaho.
530. I cannot earn bonus XP for ‘catching air’ with an MBT. So stop trying.
531. No making up gnomish subraces.
532. Despite being a staple of comic books everywhere, I cannot teleport objects in front of naked people.
533. I cannot increase my comeliness by growing a pornstache.
534. When I level up, I just can’t copy the guy next to me’s choices.
535. I cannot make a dungeon crawl easier by opening a rival dungeon and hiring away all his guards.
536. If a powergamer joins our crew, I will not billet him in the newly furnished auxiliary airlock.
537. The Cause Disease spell cannot inflict Nitrogen Narcosis.
538. Even if I spend the points, I cannot start married to any of the X-Men.
539. Defensive perimeter traps my character sets up are automatically party knowledge.
540. A full minute of stunned silence means “My God what did you do?” not “Please continue.”
541. When prompted for a target by the guided missile “the naughty bits” is not a valid choice.
542. No, I do not have time to carve that mountain in the shape of anything.
543. There is more to buying rations than ramen, spam and beer.
544. I will not cast Gate to bind an infernal creature of power to my bidding and make him mow the lawn.
545. No going 100% tracer round on the HMG just because I like the pretty colors.
546. Dead party members, while effective, are not appropriate anti-grenade measures.
547. Perform skill does not apply to the following: Performance art, spoken word, or fan dances.
548. I cannot have a “What Would Ao Do?” bracelet.
549. It is not physically possible to cook off an accordion.
550. Dwarves can indeed tell the difference between their genders.
551. Cannot install Lojack on the Dragonkin.
552. If my character’s drow wife finds I let my niece appear in a Gnomes Gone Wild Video, my death will not even warrant a saving throw.
553. No matter how well I make my disguise check, my gnome cannot convincingly pass for any member of Rush.
554. Even though armor gives him no benefit, my monk still has to wear something.
555. I will stop snickering every time the monk announces he’s touching someone with his quivering palm.
556. Even though I’m the ranger, I can’t stalk the elf babe.
557. If they get a bonus to spot my gun with a geiger counter, I can’t have it.
558. There is not a ‘Take your daughter to work day’ for adventurers.
559. Even if the Ranger offers his sword, the elf his bow and the dwarf his axe, my gnome can’t offer his accordion.
560. Can’t hire a sentient black pudding to be the ship’s janitor.
561. I can’t play a deep gnome just to make the rest of the party have to pronounce Svirfneblin.
562. “Pass without trace” doesn’t work on bad checks.
563. I can’t make anyone Jewish with a called shot.
564. The Lutherans don’t have an inquisition.
565. My vampire hunter can’t have anything he saw on an infomercial at 3am on PBS.
566. When confronted with a haunted house with bleeding walls, no converting it into a self supporting blood bank.
567. I cannot consult my lawyer before making my wish.
568. My first wish cannot be “I wish you grant all my wishes to the spirit and letter of the wish’
569. All 3 of my wishes cannot involve Alpacas.
570. The DM does not want to know how my human fighter is triple wielding scimitars.
571. I will not secretly maze the wizard’s familiar, druid’s companion or paladin’s mount just for a laugh.
572. Even if the rules say otherwise, I cannot carry 100lbs of styrofoam without encumbrance penalties.
573. Improved evasion does not work against Save vs. DM.
574. “Get dressed quickly in the dark” is not an advantage, bonus, benefit, feat, skill, perk or merit.
575. Even if I’m a near immortal demi-god with the power to create entire worlds with a thought, still bad to throw a party when Dad’s away without permission.
576. I can’t use my sneak attack opportunity to cop a feel.
577. No matter how stupid the PC’s comment, it doesn’t provide an attack of opportunity.
578. Rectomancy is not a school of magic.
579. “Pimp my Death Star” is not a real show, and I’d better believe Grand Moff Tarkin knows this.
580. A sledgehammer does not give any bonus to my search for secret doors roll.
581. No filling the paladin’s stocking with coal on Christmas to make him wonder what he’s got to atone for.
582. I can’t thwart the Rebel Alliance’s attack with the newly invented manhole cover.
583. Can’t intimidate the evil wizard just by constantly summoning bigger versions of what he’s just summoned.
584. On second thought, a minotaur architect is a really bad idea.
585. No using psychic powers before the adventure to figure out who to take life insurance out on.
586. Cannot spend extra money to get the optional “flay” setting for my pistol.
587. No taunting the 1st level magic user with “Mighty bold talk for a guy with only 4HP.”
588. Paladins are immune to STDs, but if I take advantage of this ability, I lose it. Wonderful paradox, isn’t it?
589. If my gun on a scale of 1-10 is a 7, it’s vetoed if that’s the Richter scale.
590. I can’t convince the rival party our Q-Ship is just named that because it’s piloted by John DeLancie.
591. Defibrillators do not allow me the use of the Cleave feat.
592. No matter how well I roll, other PCs cannot be haggled into paying me to perform errands for me.
593. Tensor’s Herniated Disc is not a real spell.
594. True to fluff or not, my berserker cannot take the beekeeping skill.
595. I cannot pick a race with a prehensile ANYTHING.
596. No dual wielding whips until I at least have proficiency with them.
597. The party does not need to know about the time I woke up duct taped to the back of a Drow Matron Mother.
598. Any adventure that ends up with my character being worshiped as an orc god was just a dream. Retroactively if need be.
599. Cannot start the new adventure with me trying to run down who ever didn’t show up for the last adventure.
600. Even if I’m a wizard, I still can’t apply embarrassing tattoos to the NPC.
601. If we run out of cannonballs armadillos will not do in a pinch.
602. Find Familiar scrolls are not a substitute for the hunting skill.
603. I cannot have any gun mentioned in the Geneva Convention by name.
604. If my alignment forbids torture, that includes Gnomish Poetry Slams.
605. Even if this an adventuring party, I can’t show up to the adventure drunk and wearing only a toga, lampshade and half elf stripper.
606. If my power is super growth, that includes my skin.
607. A N-Scale tuba player is not an appropriate miniature for my gnome bard.
608. The answer to ‘who’s got point?’ is not the fireball.
609. No diety will let me use my nipples as holy symbols.
610. I cannot name my character Dwead Piwate Woberts.
611. No initiating social challenges based only on the color of the werewolf’s shoes.
612. Every time a PC takes himself out through his own stupidity does not let me sing the Oompa-Loompa song.
613. I can’t have a magic item I can’t request with a straight face.
614. My superhero tank must be height/weight proportionate.
615. One close call with a mimic does not give me the right to attack every door I come across.
616. Even if they are the same cliched acid for blood aliens, can’t load my shotgun with baking powder.
617. The forehead is not an appropriate place for a kill count holo-tattoo.
618. No matter how much my humanity loss, a chainsaw is not a substitute for a bayonet.
619. No matter what the dice say, I can’t kill a 4th gen vampire with a pump action loaded with buck in a single round.
620. My Blessed does not have the hindrance Ailin’: Stigmata.
621. No offering the old man and the farm kid a better rate to Alderaan.
622. Paladins make poor vikings. And vice versa.
623. Even if the rules allow it, I cannot play a Dire Gummi Bear.
624. When asked what my character is doing, it had better not be the vitakinetic.
625. I must remember before the next time I shave off the sleeping dwarf’s beard and glue it to the sleeping elf, wars have been started that way.
626. Dwarves are not proper substitutes for pufferfish.
627. The GM decides if my character dies from a stroke, not me.
628. I can’t use audible glamour to trick the cleric into building an ark.
629. Just because they are all into rock, metal and axes, dwarves are not all headbangers.
630. Replacing the solo’s bullets with blanks so he comes in dead last in bodycount isn’t funny.
631. Medicine cabinets are not the best place to stash spare squeeze tubes of explosive putty.
632. When asked to tutor someone on his defense trait, can’t keep punching him until he get it.
633. When told to choose my weapon in a duel with the assassin, can’t pick his weapon.
634. Cannot recreate any scene in 2001: Space Odyssey involving women’s lingerie.
635. Arguments cannot end with the statement ‘Alright, we’ll settle this like penguins!’
636. Recon means tell them what I saw, not slaughter all the monsters without them.
637. German characters do not gets 4 racial bonus to intimidate French characters.
638. The DM is not impressed by me spoiling his well planned ambush by just casting Glassee on the door.
639. Before hiding with all the werewolves to ambush the Settite, make sure he didn’t leave the LARP 4 hours ago.
640. Even if he loves me too, Chitti-Chitti-Bang-Bang is not an appropriate choice for the romance background.
641. Casual attire does not include shoulder holsters.
642. My character’s grandma was not, is not and will never be a contract killer.
643. Even if the rules allow it, I can’t gain 1,000,000 XP with one forged check.
644. No matter how much mousse I use, my hair will never have damage resistance.
645. My matter how high my faith skill, still can’t take God as an ally.
646. If the game store owner goes into vapor lock, the adventure is over.
647. Any answer to a question involving the words ‘wizard’, ‘station wagon’ and ‘wood paneling’ is no.
648. Can’t marry off another PC more than half a dozen times.
649. Zero bodycount does not mean just the ones they can find.
650. Gnolls don’t fall for the fake ball trick more than once.
651. My alignment is not Sarcastic Good.
652. My fighter cannot take the flaw: Addiction- stabbing things.
653. Cannot wish for the party to have common sense. Even the wish spell has its limits.
654. If the party goes into my room and finds a Deva wearing only baby oil, oven mitts and spurs, they can start the module without me.
655. When asked my position in the party, it’s not ‘whatever’s closest to Bangkok.’
656. A crayon is typically going to cause a penalty to my forgery skill.
657. Can’t put a glass bottom on my tank to I can see the looks on their faces.
658. Changing sexes is restricted to male or female.
659. Quoting Ministry lyrics is not SOP for the Gladius Dei.
660. Walmart is not my one stop shopping place for hunting vampires.
661. The line on my character sheet for ‘Sex’ is not for keeping score.
662. My Paladin will stop referring to her detect evil power as Evildar.
663. Even if I just rolled 832d6 for damage, still can’t get a bonus to my intimidate check.
664. Unlike real life, I don’t gain the whirlwind attack to smack all my backtalking children.
665. My WW2 era mad scientist will pick a new target for his project other than Manhattan.
666. When offered a Dracheneisen item of my choice, can’t pick Nunchucks.
667. No matter what the dice say, can’t decapitate an Aberrant with a straight razor.
668. AT-ST soccer games are strictly against Imperial Army protocols.
669. Cannot name Boba Fett as a godparent to any of my children.
670. While I’m fixing the X-Wing, the brash pilot is still miffed about the Y-Wing loaner.
671. House Kurita Mechwarriors do not appreciate posters of Godzilla taped over their optical sensors.
672. Teleport Without Pants is not a real spell.
673. It’s not necessary to install a portcullis in every single room of my castle.
674. When deciding what to do with the ancient alien artifacts we discovered, EBAY is not an option.
675. Even if the rules allow it, I can’t take the identical twin advantage 22 times.
676. My character’s primary purpose in the party is not to just leech 1/6 of all the XP.
677. Elves do not have the racial trait: No Gag Reflex.
678. Distract the bad guy does not mean with a recreation of the Apollo landing.
679. I do not have time in the Black Ops for break dancing, Greco-Roman Wrestling or phone sex.
680. My axe doesn’t go off accidentally when I’m cleaning it.
681. Even if he is a total blast, can’t channel Baron Samedi at a Coming Out Ball.
682. Can’t make a called shot with a flamethrower.
683. After finishing the cliched “New boss is villain” adventure, can’t file for unemployment.
684. My mummy can’t take out multiple life insurance policies on himself and name himself the prime beneficiary.
685. The game of chicken does not involve the polymorph spell.
686. My vampire hunter does not take the “un” out of “undead”
687. I cannot backstab anybody with a Buick Skylark.
688. Even if the rules allow it, my Paladin cannot have the flaw: Hatred- All living things.
689. The combat feats I can use with a battering ram are extremely restricted.
690. Mordenkainen’s Dysfunctional Family is not a real spell.
691. No matter what the kids say, animated balloon animals is a poor use of the Create Golem feat.
692. The Dr. Jones School of Swordfighting is not an appropriate Swordsman’s School.
693. There is no conspiracy to write out the gnome’s contribution to the Fellowship of the Ring.
694. Search the old castle means enter it, not level it with artillery and dig through the rubble.
695. Buying the Elf Babe a trampoline and telling her it boosts her Dexterity isn’t fooling anybody.
696. Any plan involving strapping puppies to my armor is vetoed.
697. No “accidentally” crosswiring the X-Wing’s fire control and ejection seat switches.
698. During the Black Ops no accessing the target’s HR files and getting babes’ phone numbers.
699. Fed Ex does not deliver to the Keep on the Borderlands.
700. Not allowed to use basic economics to crash the evil empire’s economy by spending all my swag there at once.
701. Cannot take the moniker “the Hyperpolysyllabicsesquipedalinist”
702. The Banana of Disarming is not a real magic item.
703. Cannot sharpen Ioun stones for increased headbutt damage.
704. No using my hideously low Charisma to get the villain to do the opposite of what I suggest.
705. Need to stop using my reality altering ability to make every day Mardi Gras.
706. Cannot base my barbarian after Wink Martindale.
707. A throat punch does not give a bonus in a contested philosophy check.
708. My paladin mini is vetoed if it’s obviously Private Drake from Aliens.
709. Any plan is vetoed if it was obviously inspired by Boromir.
710. My info gathering mission must include info that wasn’t obviously obtained in a brothel.
711. If almost all the words in my character’s background start with the same letter, he’s vetoed.
712. When told to leave a trail for the rest of the party to follow, they didn’t mean with cigarette butts.
713. Even if the rules allow it, can’t sink a battleship with a stapler.
714. I do not get a bulk discount on ninjas.
715. Even if the rules allow it, I can’t invent the strip joint.
716. I cannot play a race the GM can’t pronounce.
717. I cannot start the game in post-apocalyptic Poland driving a Porsche.
718. Warnings given retroactively in battle aren’t appreciated.
719. A fluffy tail does not add to my comliness if I’m already 1′ tall, furry and a squirrel.
720. Don’t have to include the line “And then stab them a lot” in the plan; it’s already assumed.
721. Even if my super power is invisibility, still have to provide a model for my character.
722. Can’t intentionally fail all my secret door checks so I don’t have to play Tomb of Horrors again.
723. If my character is related to a god, it can’t be as a parent.
724. The time machine is not for finishing my set of Disciple autographs.
725. No, there is not a Mr. Of Arc. No, I still can’t hit on her.
726. My black ops experience does not include panty raids and beer runs.
727. Cannot singlehandedly make Starfleet Academy the #1 party school in the Alpha Quadrant.
728. Not legal to retroactively challenge anyone I just shot to a duel.
729. Cannot take the flaw Obsession: Elf Chick’s lingerie.
730. No part of the plan includes: You give me the idol, I give you the whip.
731. No matter how many called shots to the neck I make, I’m still not going to cause a cool pyrotechnics display.
732. Not allowed to trade in my X-Wing for a Gunstar.
733. Cannot make a plan that hinges on the villain first being allergic to peanuts.
734. My character’s background cannot be a wikipedia biography with “Falco” crossed off and my character’s name written in.
735. Adding hydrolics to my R2 unit does not give him an intimidate bonus.
736. No taking the party to Kara-Tur just because my character has a thing for Asian chicks.
737. Will not color code everything on the ship just to piss off the Vargyr.
738. Though highly educational, no more slipping the anti-paladin sodium pentathal.
739. Can’t make the blacks ops super easy by sending a couple of strippers to the guardroom first.
740. Not allowed to give my character a name from a bushman click language.
741. Not possible to tap a keg for mana.
742. Apparently Chaotic Angry and Neutral Hungry aren’t real alignments either.
743. Even if the rules allow it, can’t takes out an MBT with a shotgun loaded with slug.
744. My second wish can’t be for a new, more open minded genie to grant my remaining wishes.
745. Can’t wish I was the GM.
746. No making up holidays for my cleric.
747. Can’t just walk the obstacle course, even though I beat everybody who tried to run it.
748. Holding a pillow over a sleeping person’s face is not a gnomish expression of affection.
749. There is not a Spent Clip Fairy.
750. A bag of holding is a bad place to stash bear traps, badgers or crushed glass.

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