Things Mr Welch Cannot Say During an RPG

251. I am not the Boogie-Woogie Bugle Boy of Gundam Wing Z.
252. I can not order the Druid to transform and roll out.
253. If the other party members forget to take any food prep skills, not allowed to let them starve to death.
254. I cannot blow 5 paradox in: A police line up, the candy aisle of Krogers, the Miss America Pageant.
255. I cannot create a superhero that can palm the moon.
256. The following cleric domains do not exist: Wet T-Shirts, Atheism, Keggers
257. I cannot wish nobody else gets wishes.
258. There is no such thing as Skyclad Armor 5
259. My Highlander’s name cannot be McHammer.
260. Gnomes do not have a racial bonus in bobsled.
261. The Barbarian’s name does not translate into “Screams like little sissy girl” in my language.
262. When the GM forces the plot, I cannot make choo-choo noises.
263. Not allowed to attempt to kill the Hutt by pouring salt on him.
264. I cannot use the time machine to go to Ancient Greece where all the women were leather clad, oiled down with big bosoms.
265. It assumed my mechwarrior knows at least what one of the buttons in his cockpit does.
266. At the end of a black-ops, I cannot crank call C-SWAT on the target’s phone.
267. I cannot yell “FREEBIRD” every time the bard makes a perform roll.
268. Mr. Welch is not allowed to speak in 3rd person.
269. My character cannot hear the soundtrack.
270. I cannot derail the adventure for a two hour in character discussion on the qualities of rope.
271. Tracheotomies are best left to characters with skills in medicine.
272. No skill allows specializing in defenestration.
273. No matter how smart I make my animal companion, he still can’t take the tax accountant skill.
274. I cannot commune with the Gods during peak hours.
275. I must remember at dinner time Rock is not a dwarven delicacy.
276. I must remember at dinner time Log is not an elven delicacy.
277. My half-ogre cannot surprise the halflings with spontaneous games of dodgeball.
278. Anything the DM has to ponder the full impact of for more than a minute is forbidden.
279. I cannot base any elf off of any British Prime Minister.
280. Thermonuclear hand grenades do not exist in any genre except Paranoia.
281. I cannot get emotionally attached to any generic nondescript unnamed NPC.
282. Even if laughter is the best medicine, it still doesn’t restore any of my HP.
283. I have been assured with total certainty Ralph is not a Japanese name.
284. When the CO asks for volunteers, I can’t help others make a decision.
285. I am not from Margaritaville, and even if I was, that doesn’t excuse the hawaiian shirt and lawn chair during the dress inspection.
286. No character of mine can start with 400 previous convictions for any misdemeanor.
287. When asked for advice before a fight “Don’t wet yourself in public” is not what they were looking for.
288. I cannot name my character after another PC already in this game.
289. My character does not have the flaw Addiction: Helium.
290. I cannot figure that the dungeon we’re in is the Pac-Man maze and point it out to the rest of the party.
291. I cannot form a huddle to discuss strategy before facing the final monster in the dungeon.
292. I cannot take all the monsters I’ve killed to the taxidermist after the adventure.
293. Clowns shoes have no place in a dungeon crawl.
294. My dwarf is not claustrophobic, likewise, my elf is not agoraphobic.
295. When my enemy blinks does not give me an attack of opportunity.
296. I cannot make called shots with a crew served weapon.
297. I cannot hand out artillery flares to the bad guys on New Years and tell them they are roman candles.
298. Sprechen Sie Bang-Bang? is not real German.
299. I do not get any XP for anyone I kill by stampeding sheep.
300. I cannot give the rebel operatives the codenames Luke, Han, Chewie or Yoda.
301. “Well Hung” is not a physical, social or mental trait.
302. A gimp suit does not count as leather armor.
303. I cannot gradually describe my character more and more until it’s obvious I’m describing Burt Reynolds.
304. My life long nemesis is not allowed to be the unsuspecting cleric sitting across the table from me.
305. Anything my character does that ends up as errata I am retroactively prohibited from doing.
306. Chaotic Evil dieties do not have hymnals.
307. Even if he can use them from the start, my barbarian can’t specialize in fencing weapons.
308. A Mao suit is not proper garb for my shugenja.
309. I cannot cast invisibility on random household items like car keys, tea sets and bear traps.
310. I cannot spend all my points on just followers.
311. Even if the rules allow it, I cannot start the game as pope.
312. I am not the son, father, husband, exroommate, former professor or retired garbageman of the villain.
313. My British Superspy does not get a reroll on his seduction check if his shirt gets ripped off.
314. Under ‘Religion’ I cannot put ‘Xenu’.
315. My gnome cannot save point on the ride skill simply by asking for piggyback rides everywhere.
316. My character is not allowed to commit suicide five minutes into the campaign.
317. My battlecry is not ‘Now young Skywalker you will die’.
318. Vampiric cows are not the fast food innovation of the future.
319. My character does not have the flaw: Dark Secret- I’m Kilroy.
320. The Sultan does not want a treasure bath.
321. The monk’s official title is Brother of the Lotus Path. Not the Slap Happy Jappy.
322. My bard knows more songs than just “I Saw Your Mommy”
323. I cannot start the game with a highly contagious deadly disease.
324. I cannot start the game pregnant.
325. Even if he was a paragon of humanity in his alternate dimension, Good Hitler is not an appropriate superhero concept.
326. Cannot accumulate 200 points of flaws for Hackmaster.
327. I am not allowed to decide which one of us is the Chosen One.
328. I cannot keep my phaser on disintegrate just because it’s the coolest setting.
329. Not allowed to spoil the plot by simply removing the hinges on the door.
330. The Halfling Paladin does not represent the Lollipop Guild.
331. I cannot invoke Consecrate Weapon on a Man of War
332. I cannot spend character points to buy imaginary friends.
333. I cannot fistinate anybody, whatever the hell that means.
334. Pinball is not a specialization for wizards.
335. When installing cyberware, can’t install the Clapper as a built in feature.
336. Cannot start a Cthuhlu character with a pre-existing hatred of books, altars and cutlery.
337. Even if the rules allow it, I cannot control 20,000 pigeons and use them as flying piranha.
338. Any character named El Robotico Jiraffe de Fuego is begging to be vetoed.
339. Can’t avoid going on an epic quest with the excuse “Can’t find a sitter”
340. I cannot start the game married to another PC without their consent.
341. Not allowed to declare myself a free agent and take offer from other adventuring parties.
342. After the first adventure I cannot write a tell all book about the party.
343. I must remember royalty do not share the same love of parody as my bard.
344. No matter how much I make my IQ roll by, I can’t make the other guy’s head explode.
345. I don’t have weapon proficiency in elf, either.
346. I most certainly don’t have weapon proficiency in a Phased-plasma rifle in the forty watt range.
347. If I’m not the decker, I can’t do anything I saw in Tron once.
348. The rest of the party appreciates it if I don’t start the game in Cyberpsychosis.
349. Power Word: Beer Me is not a real spell.
350. I am not allowed to buzz ANYTHING.
351. I cannot take skill Profession: Ecdysiast
352. When I choose my wizard’s familar, Belgians are not a legal choice.
353. I cannot pick a Destroid that makes the Veritech pilots feel inadequate.
354. Tricking the party into killing each other off and then turning in their corpses for the bounty is frowned upon.
355. My monk’s battlecry is not “Round 1: Fight!”
356. No matter how well I roll, the Quack skill is not a substitute for the Doctor skill.
357. I cannot disassemble a car in under 5 minutes.
358. Even if the rules allow it, I cannot make a character that gets double XP per game for showing up.
359. Killing quicklings with marbles only works once.
360. I must remind the GM that my Blessed can Raise Dead before he runs another murder mystery again.
361. It is not feasible for my Archer to recreate Hudson’s Last Stand.
362. It is very unlikely my half-ogre and the half-elf, half-dragon, tiefling and aasimar have the same dad.
363. When challenged to a showdown, I’m meant to face him at 10 paces with pistols, not 10 blocks with a Sharpe’s Big .50.
364. I am to avoid killing, upstaging or seducing historical characters.
365. Not allowed to setup the main villain with the mad scientist’s sister.
366. Female minotaurs do not have udders. This issue is closed.
367. No using excessive firepower to force the plot along.
368. My teleporter cannot stop the alien invasion with just the law of displacement, laws of motion, and a huge freakin’ asteroid.
369. Not supposed to stop the soon to be cyberpsycho by disassembling him earlier in the adventure.
370. What happens in Sigil does not always stay in Sigil.
371. No thinking up new, creative and fun uses for cursed items.
372. Cannot start the game blitzed, especially if I was stone sober at the last game break.
373. It is bad form for the queen to see my nipples.
374. I am not to combine the advantage Fearless and the disadvantage Curious in the same character again.
375. Killing the building does not add to my body count.
376. The barbarian must remember that ‘human shield’ is a figure of speech.
377. My character is required to have a minimum wisdom of 10, that way I have no excuses.
378. I can cannot give my character the moniker “Tim the Barbarian”. Especially since he’s the bard.
379. I am to stop asking the elf to put a good word in for me with Santa.
380. I cannot use the ventriloquism skill to convice the fighter his new sword is a magical talking one.
381. Min/Max for combat=good. Min/Max for accounting=bad.
382. I can’t bet the power gamer he can’t solo the module.
383. It is not ok to use 10,000 rounds to kill two sentries.
384. The titles “Viking” and “Obstretrician” are mutually exclusive.
385. All characters will use the bathroom before the dungeon crawl.
386. The following words are not legal for the command spell: Prognosticate, theorize, notarize.
387. I cannot give magic items super easy commands words like ‘is’ or ‘the’ and activate when you say them.
388. Pursue means chase after, not just make called shots to the knees.
389. My samurai is not required to commit seppuku if he fails to hit the monster.
390. My character’s background must be more indepth than a montage of Queen lyrics.
391. A starting paladin has no conceivable use for industrial lubricant.
392. I am forbidden to see whether halflings or gnomes bounce higher.
393. If I can fit my head down the gun’s barrel, I can assume it doesn’t have the non-lethal option.
394. If the light spell expires, no lighting the dwarf.
395. I cannot have any weapon that requires me to crank start it first.
396. I will refrain from using wildly inaccurate high explosive weapons in close quarters.
397. I will not tell new players that 1st level characters do not have a scent as a defense mechanism.
398. No matter what popular media says, harpoons are not proper ninja weapons.
399. When I have to pick a starting dementia, Stockholm Syndrome is not appropriate.
400. Check the door means to listen at it, not put several rounds through it.
401. When a virgin sacrifice is demanded I will not look knowingly at the paladin, netrunner or Hermetic.
402. No matter how many people I need to feed, I will not use MDC weapons to fish.
403. My rigger does not get a bonus if his log in code is up, down, up, down, left, right, left, right, A, B, A, B, Start.
404. No subcontracting dungeon crawls.
405. I will not name my character for the power gaming campaign Generic Cleave Path Fighter #7.
406. The first rule of Finnegan school is not “Do not talk about Finnegan school”
407. I will not blow all my starting funds on hookers and booze.
408. If I have to sacrifice my fifth dot in resources to afford it, I can’t have that gun.
409. I will not cast darkness at the magic missile.
410. If the NPC is on the cover of the rulebook, I can’t kill him.
411. It is bad form to shoot a god while he’s monologuing.
412. I will not try to skip to the main boss dressed like a singing telegram.
413. The chaotic neutral alignment is forever closed to me.
414. If my stats are STR10 DEX10 CON8 INT16 WIS17 CHA15 I’d better not be the half-orc barbarian.
415. My archmage will not join a party running Keep on the Borderlands as a ringer.
416. I will not substitute accuracy with enthusiasm.
417. The solution to all my problems is not Crinos.
418. Steel toe boots do not add to my AC.
419. Spankings generally will not change evil alignments.
420. “For the King” is an example of a good battle cry. “Smoke the Mother” is not.
421. I will not convince the GM’s noob GF to play a psychotic combat monster.
422. My marital status does not affect in anyway my fear checks.
423. Even if the rules allow it, I cannot play a duck.
424. I cannot liven up the adventure with snappy musical numbers. Even if they did it on the TV show.
425. Chainsaws and butter churns filled with bees do not use the same weapon skill.
426. Thirty minutes after a massive battle against Cathayans I am not bloodthirsty again.
427. I cannot do anything I saw Jackie Chan do once. Even if I am in Home Depot at the moment.
428. I will never create a plan that first hinges on the invention of velcro.
429. If the character isn’t deaf, his only language cannot be AMSLAN.
430. Spray paint is not a substitute for proper camouflage.
431. We will not implement any battle plan that includes the underlined words “And hope they miss a lot”
432. Cannot put anything featuring Calvin on my starfighter.
433. I will not find a peaceful solution to the adventure just to piss off the power gamer.
434. Never again will I convince a player to keep a character nicknamed “Stumpy McLunger”
435. No bribing the DM’s new GF with chocolate so he’ll go easy on us.
436. Even if my cleric has the domains of Wealth and Healing doesn’t give me the right to start an HMO.
437. From now on my Highlander will refrain from dancing the Can-Can.
438. The ability to afflict everyone in 150′ with herpes is not an acceptable super power.
439. I will not start the game as a toddler just to rack up massive stat bonuses as I age.
440. I am forbidden from trying to merge the best features of automatic weapons and manual transmissions.
441. There is an upper limit on the number of people a bullet will go through.
442. When told to be subtle, playing a foul mouthed chain smoking squirrel is not a good choice.
443. Zombies are not infectious in D&D. So I should stop shooting PCs in the head if they are bitten.
444. Whether it’s fair or not, my thief will not insist we take turns checking for traps.
445. I will not admonish my fellow paladin with ‘a little less lawful, a little more good’
446. Ninjas are not ablative.
447. If the NPC is critical to the plot later, I cannot crit him 4 times in one round.
448. I will not attempt to unionize the brutes.
449. I will not switch to an entirely new class every single time I level.
450. When told to distract the villainess, they didn’t mean with a surprise marriage proposal.
451. I cannot start the campaign conjoined to another character.
452. Not allowed to convince the entire party to base the group only off Gary Oldman characters.
453. I will not redefine the term ‘trapdoor’.
454. No staking a vampire with anything larger than his chest cavity.
455. Styrofoam is not an appropriate component for golems.
456. I cannot put my familiar up for stud.
457. I did not invent the wet tabard contest.
458. “When I’m in the mood” is not a valid trigger for a contingency spell.
459. The vampire clan with vissitude is not pronounced ‘Karl’
460. I’d better have a real good excuse for being a necromancer if I’m lawful good.
461. Tasha’s Uncontrollably Hideous Sister is not a real spell.
462. 1st Watch is not for accordion practice.
463. Even if it is hip to be square, I still can’t play a Modron.
464. 2nd Watch is not for starting up pick up rugby games with wandering monsters.
465. After a successful black ops, I will not leave paint bombs under all the boardroom’s seat cushions.
466. 3rd Watch is not clothing optional.
467. There is no ‘accidentally’ slipping a Smite Evil into a pillow fight.
468. If the party wakes to find a chariot upside down in a fountain, I’d better not be the prime, usual or only suspect.
469. If I wake up to find black cloaked figures in my room, I will not immediately point them to the halflings’ room.
470. Sarcasm is wasted on Imperial Stormtroopers.
471. I am not fluent in any dialect of gibberish.
472. When my cleric is told to “Buff the Elf”, I know exactly what it means and may not miscontrue it in any way.
473. No matter the CR of the monster, no naked pookie dances upon victory.
474. Black and Decker does not make prosthetics.
475. Can’t trick the rest of the party into babysitting my kids.
476. The alignment of 2 years olds is not automatically Neutral Evil.
477. I cannot spay the Vargyr.
478. Castillians do not always end their sentences with the word ‘Ariba!”
479. As a matter of fact, Dwarven Battlegarb in no way resembles Angus Young’s stage costume.
480. I will not address Fauner Posen with ‘Jawohl mein Liebenaffe’
481. I am forbidden from doing anything that ends with a snarf, rimshot or spit take.
482. No uploading porn to my CO’s HUD.
483. No downloading porn from my CO’s HUD.
484. If the word ‘Mullet’ appears anywhere on my samurai’s character sheet, he’s vetoed.
485. My Mossad agent’s battlecry is not “Torah, Torah, Torah”
486. No how tough the encounter was, I will keep the congratulatory ass slapping to a minimum.
487. Halfing mating rituals do not include beer can crushing, power belching, or Lynyrd Skynyrd trivia.
488. If I have to pull out of the dungeon because I’m low on HP, no filing Workman’s Comp.
489. No making up any strange hobbies just to get out of taking watch.
490. Quoting Bob Dobbs while charging into battle is unusual. Quoting Bob Newhart is right out. Quoting Bob Dylan is just silly.
491. If my Faith is 4 and your Faith is 2, that doesn’t mean Jesus loves me twice as much.
492. Beer Boy is not an acceptable hireling for the dungeon crawl.
493. I will not base any Media character off Milo Bloom.
494. I will not use a time machine to invade Germany on September 2, 1939 by surprise, securing Dutch domination of Europe.
495. No supplying my own canned applause.
496. While Bardic music can increase skill rolls, bad jazz adds nothing to seduction rolls.
497. If somebody in the party has a Wisdom or Intelligence lower than 8, I am forbidden from talking to them.
498. A firefight is not the best time to tell the party my Medtech has a fear of blood.
499. No inventing the minefield.
500. My superhero will not spend points to fly just because he’s too lazy to walk.

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