Things Mr Welch Cannot Say During an RPG

2251.  No calling a city councilman to settle an argument about dwarves.
2252.  When a dwarf goes to the surface for the first time, I can’t cast levitate on him.
2253.  Gandolf never had a lavender phase.
2254.  Covering myself in mud doesn’t make me invisible to the elf.
2255.  In the middle of a Black Ops I can’t delete the guards we killed from their HR database.
2256.  I cannot play anything with a blowhole.
2257.  Even if my character is Welsh, his name has to include vowels.
2258.  If the middle of a Black Ops can’t call a lot of long distance phone sex numbers and just leave their phones off the hook.
2259.  Even if I am allowed to design my own gun, I can’t make a .314 Magnum Pistol.
2260.  My Qunari cannot join the Church of Giantology.
2261.  No picking a god based solely on the number of paid religious holidays they offer.
2262.  If we’re level 1, we can’t blow up the planet.
2263.  The rune stones did not just say the princess needs to get naked.
2264.  Even if my character is from Chicago, he still only gets one vote in party matters.
2265.  I will remember any use of the Perform: Burlesque skill is going require a full turn for my bard to get dressed again.
2266.  Immunity to blast damage does not help against the fallout of another player’s stupidity.
2267.  When the GM says I can have any weapon classified as archaic, that doesn’t include trebuchets.
2268.  When in the presence of a god is not the best time to bring up the topic of reformation.
2269.  Can’t switch religions in the middle of a game.
2270.  No auctioning off my faith between the various temples.
2271.  No converting to religions from other games.
2272.  The paladin does not have to run a background check on new PCs before they join the group.
2273.  Can’t pick a religion based solely on the greatest number of sexual positions allowed.
2274.  I am not transelven.
2275.  Disguising the party as Cygnarans requires more than just buying a whole bunch of goggles.
2276.  I will not name my character Bab Thaco.
2277.  If the king says he will reimburse our expenses, no turning the mission into an epic continent spanning quest.
2278.  Especially if the original missions was “kill all the goblins in this cave.”
2279.  No abusing the thaumaturgy spell by slamming doors in the face of missionaries, inventing the clapper, or constantly impersonating BRIAN BLESSED.
2280.  We aren’t starting 5th edition by finding Elminster in the shower wondering about 4th edition.
2281.  Bring the goblins to justice doesn’t mean knocking all of them out and marching them back for a public apology.
2282.  Our first encounter can’t end with me hugging a bugbear tell him how much I missed him.
2283.  There is no such thing as a Belt of Norwegification.
2284.  I am not assigning that 18 I just rolled to my necromancer’s charisma.
2285.  I will remember the basic set is still incomplete and ignore all the “under construction” signs.
2286.  Can only pick two of the following for my character: dwarf beserker, battering ram, fireproof, light source.
2287.  We are not using the dwarf’s back hair to make any of the following: rope, sweater, quilt, hot air balloon.
2288.  I will not force the rookie to pick sides in the eternal banded mail debate.
2289.  Even if the breakup was bad, naming my ex as my ranger’s favored enemy puts out a creepy stalker vibe.
2290.  Even if the rules allow it, my gladiator’s starting weapons cannot be the trident and bagpipes.
2291.  Even if he is “a mysterious entity whose nature is utterly foreign to the fabric of reality” Andy Kaufman does not count as a Great Old One.
2292.  Even if the rules allow it, I can’t have proficiency in every skill by level 6.
2293.  No casting Guards & Wards in the houses of people who annoy me.
2294.  I will stop casting Awaken on the other party members’ horses.
2295.  If even if they are half the cost of warhorses, can’t just by elephants for the entire party.
2296.  My gnome won’t drunk call the Elf MkII that didn’t make the cut in the new edition.
2297.  When asked for typical barbarian settings, I can’t suggest Camden N. J.
2298.  The bond “ex-husband” can’t be applied to every female character in the party.
2299.  I will stop assuming all Drow know Drizzt.
2300.  It’s cute when you train your hamster to attack their eyes.  Your weasel not so cute.
2301.  Even if the rules allow it, the entire party can’t be all raised by the same wolf.
2302.  The party’s mutual bond can’t be “former members of the Funky Bunch.”
2303.  I can’t bribe the dwarf with an offer of putting him up for stud.
2304.  Kissing up to a dragon until he gives us a minor trouble is acceptable, slapping us with a restraining order not so much.
2305.  Can’t use the Summon Monster spell to redefine the term “Trolling someone”
2306.  12 degrees of success on my charm test doesn’t automatically earn me a commissarial backrub.
2307.  Successfully grappling the roper doesn’t let me use him to play double dutch with the thief.
2308.  Even if the rules allow it, no using plaid colored light spells to to mess with the guard’s perception of movement.
2309.  If I challenge Death to a game, picking Campaign for North Africa doesn’t ensure immortality.
2310.  Despite what the rules say, a ghille suit does not make me invisible in the St. Patrick’s Day parade.
2311.  No matter what it would do to his spell casting chances, I can’t cast shrink on the necromancer’s undies.
2312.  You can only make so many called shots to the groin until it’s an alignment check.
2313.  “Athletic Scholarship” is not an acceptable excuse to take the sage background for my half orc barbarian.
2314.  After cleaning out their lair, I can’t put all the newly petrifried medusas in my front yard as decorations.
2315.  I will not finish any sentence containing the phrase ‘Blink Ferrets.”
2316.  Need to stop coming up with excuses to keep referencing page 73 of the Dungeoneer’s Survival Guide.
2317.  No matter how rude it was, I will keep all my interactions with the magic mouth at the entry of the dungeon PG-13.
2318.  Even if the rules allow it, no dual wielding lances.
2319.  Just because it’s legal to dual wield quarterstaves, tieing two together does not give me dire-nunchucks.
2320.  My rogue will accept the fact he can backstab a tridrone, even if it doesn’t have a back to stab.
2321.  We aren’t using Rosie O’Donnel for a unit of measurement for any aspect of a warjack.
2322.  Yes the Demolition Corps has a dress uniform, no it’s not steam powered.
2323.  Just because I bought my dice bag at the Vatican doesn’t mean my dice are Catholic.
2324.  Despite the book’s claim, using a double negative in the Protectorate of Menoth doesn’t bring down a death sentence.
2325.  Before making my last wish, I will make sure everybody in the party actually wants patagia.
2326.  My woad clad Pict will stop calling the lady knight critical of chainmail bikinis an overdressed prude.
2327.  Just because acid is considered a damage type and alkaline isn’t doesn’t mean the DM has a Ph imbalance.
2328.  Just because damage is non-lethal doesn’t mean I can keep beating him for hours.
2329.  Gurahl come in grizzly, kodiak and polar varieties.  Not drop.
2330.  Wife’s side of the family is not an acceptable choice for favored enemy.
2331.  Even if it’s a gladiator campaign, we can’t all be Spartacus.
2332.  When asked why the Feywild isn’t in the campaign, “self inflicted nuclear holocaust” isn’t the right answer.
2333.  Even if the rules allow it, I can’t have a clockwork kidney.
2334.  This goes double for a steam powered liver.
2335.  While it is customary to initiate a duel by striking with a gauntlet, it is also customary to do it at subsonic speeds.
2336.  I will make sure any minor summoning spell gets us a lesser elemental and not jailbait.
2337.  I will not use summon spells just for sticking somebody else with the check.
2338.  Even if the rules allow it, we can’t be Space Ogre Ninjas.
2339.  When providing pistols for a duel, they both can’t be fingerprint locked just to me.
2340.  Even if the rules allow it, I can’t spend my xp to turn the crapsack setting into a functional Randian utopia.
2341.  Liechtenstein doesn’t have a challenge rating.
2342.  Pendragon is not the best game to test Darwin’s theories on survival of the fittest.
2343.  I can’t spend all my starting points on concubines.
2344.  Every time the catgirl fails a skill check, I won’t spritz her with the water bottle as punishment.
2345.  I can’t use the catgirl’s tongue to remove paint from metal.
2346.  Even if my character’s lifespan is in centuries, I can’t just pour salt water over the lock and just wait.
2347.  I also can’t spend all my character points on one just really awesome concubine.
2348.  I will stop asking the Jesuit to teach me kung fu moves.
2349.  No finding industrial uses for Darkspawn.
2350.  Step one of every plan can’t just be “Set them all on fire”
2351. Even if my druid is immune to poison doesn’t mean he can chug bleach with impunity.
2352. Can’t clear out the dungeon with just engineering checks.
2353. I will not test the DM’s knowledge on the rules for hypothermia, heat stroke or dysentery.
2354. No more bringing more rule books to the game than the GM owns.
2355. Can’t bribe a dragon with belly rubs.
2356. There is no such thing as medicinal melange.
2357. 4Chan does not cause more sanity loss than Cthulhu.
2358. Just because the new edition is light on magic items doesn’t mean I have to go through withdrawal.
2359. Even if we all conspired to do it, it’s my fault if the characters’ names form a Jewish folk song.
2360. I can’t spend all of my share of the loot on flamethrowers.
2361. I don’t get bulk discounts when buying armies.
2362. I can’t devote an entire deck of the battle cruiser to just my mistress.
2363. Drug tests can’t detect potions of speed.
2364. I should stop asking the Lady of Pain to RSVP.
2365. Even if it’s the simple and and obvious solution to the module, we aren’t beating the adventure with lesbianism.
2366. The following are not acceptable seconds in a duel: Space Marine Chapter Masters, Intelligent Dancing Vorpal Swords, Prussia.
2367. The rulebook wasn’t kidding about needing 5,000 people to hijack a Star Destroyer.
2368. Even if the entire party is in total agreement, we aren’t stopping the game to call the writer and correct his Texas history.
2369. If the villain doesn’t have a phobia of the blue footed boobie, I can’t give him one.
2370. I will keep the amount of sexual innuendo to a minimum in the autopsy report.
2371. Even if I sew them into a serape, I can’t wear two magical capes at once.
2372. The Control Water spell is not for spontaneous wet t-shirt contests.
2373. The name for a group of elves is not the fagot.
2374. While Perform: Spoken word is an acceptable skill for a bard, Perform: Scat is not.
2375. I will remember the whole acid spray ability before I cause the Company Chaplain to spit take.

That is all of them for now. I will check back to the original list periodically to see if there are anymore. The original blog post for  ajdshfahjsdfahjsdf  can be found here.


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